110+ W. C. Fields Quotes On Death, Philadelphia And Witty

W. C. Fields was an American comedian and actor. He was known for his wry, humorous and sometimes acerbic films, which featured his trademark cigar and ever-present martini glass. He was active in film from the 1920s to the 1940s, and has become a noted figure in comedy history. Following is our collection on famous quotes by W. C. Fields on death, philadelphia, witty.

Top 10 W. C. Fields Quotes

1. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
2. I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
3. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
4. I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
5. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
6. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
7. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
8. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
9. Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
10. Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields Image Quotes

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. — W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. — W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. — W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. — W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W. C. Fields

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. — W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. — W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. — W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. — W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break. — W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Short Quotes

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
• It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
• Never give a sucker an even break.
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
• Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
• Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
• It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
• Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
• No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

W. C. Fields Quotes About Death

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? — W. C. Fields

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. — W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. — W. C. Fields

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Philadelphia

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. — W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. — W. C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night — W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. — W. C. Fields

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia — W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. — W. C. Fields

I would rather be living in Philadelphia. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Drink

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason — W. C. Fields

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. — W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. — W. C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. — W. C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! — W. C. Fields

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes? — W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. — W. C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. — W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Water

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. — W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. — W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. — W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. — W. C. Fields

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. — W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. — W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. — W. C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. — W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. — W. C. Fields

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Alcoholalcoholism

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. — W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. — W. C. Fields

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Life

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. — W. C. Fields

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. — W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. — W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. — W. C. Fields

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split. — W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine — W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. — W. C. Fields

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. — W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. — W. C. Fields

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Quotes About Live

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? — W. C. Fields

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. — W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living. — W. C. Fields

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields Famous Quotes And Sayings

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. — W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. — W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. — W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. — W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W. C. Fields

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. — W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. — W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. — W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. — W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break. — W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? — W. C. Fields

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. — W. C. Fields

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas — W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. — W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. — W. C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast. — W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. — W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. — W. C. Fields

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. — W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. — W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. — W. C. Fields

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. — W. C. Fields

Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with. — W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.). — W. C. Fields

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy. — W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. — W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. — W. C. Fields

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty. — W. C. Fields

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me. — W. C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. — W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. — W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. — W. C. Fields

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips. — W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. — W. C. Fields

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. — W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. — W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. — W. C. Fields

You can't cheat an honest man. — W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. — W. C. Fields

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl. — W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. — W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast. — W. C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. — W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. — W. C. Fields

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. — W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained. — W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. — W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. — W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. — W. C. Fields

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache. — W. C. Fields

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog. — W. C. Fields

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . — W. C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. — W. C. Fields

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump! — W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. — W. C. Fields

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. — W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves. — W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh. — W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. — W. C. Fields

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. — W. C. Fields

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) — W. C. Fields

Life Lessons by W. C. Fields

1. W. C. Fields taught us to never take life too seriously, as laughter and humor can help us to cope with life's challenges.
2. He also taught us to be resilient and to never give up on our dreams, no matter what obstacles we face.
3. Finally, he showed us the importance of maintaining a positive attitude, even in the face of adversity.