Steven Wright Quotes About
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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Steven Wright people quotes
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Steven Wright time quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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Steven Wright car quotes
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
So, do you live around here often?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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