Steven Wright quotes

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

• 3
• drown

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

• 3
• cat

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

• 3
• bank

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

• 3
• heat

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

• 3
• anything

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

• 3
• car

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

• 3
• anything

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

• 3
• humor

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

• 3
• birthday

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

• 3
• matter

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

• 3
• car

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

• 2
• asked

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

• 2
• answering

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

• 2
• car

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

• 2
• asked

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

• 2
• circular

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

• 2
• existential

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

• 2
• car

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

• 1
• autobiography

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

• 1
• cards

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

• 1
• add

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

• 1
• down

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

• 1
• hear

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

• 1
• shoot

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

• 1
• alaska

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

• 1
• box

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

• 1
• arms

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

• 1
• dead

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

• 1
• morning

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

• 1
• department

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

• 1
• adopted

I invented the cordless extension cord.

• 1
• cord

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

• 1
• car

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

• 1
• amnesia

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

• 1
• anywhere

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

• 1
• body

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

• 1
• buying

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

• twins

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

• almost

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

• award

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

• changed

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

• shoot

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

• buy

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

• think

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

• baby

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• friends

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

• school

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

• childhood

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

• life

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

• funny

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

• science

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

• work

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

• talk

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

• dark

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

• funny

I'm addicted to placebos.

• addicted

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

• cake

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• cholesterol

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

• experience

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

• announcer

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

• humor

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

• home

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

• mother

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

• politics

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

• desert

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

• myself

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

• reflection

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

• night

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

• people

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

• people

At one point he decided enough was enough.

• enough

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

• art

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

• home

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

• emotions

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

• irons

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

• life

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

• hero

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

• million

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

• people

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

• apartment

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

• books

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

• down

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

• life

Hermits have no peer pressure.

• pressure

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

• funny

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

• business

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

• believe

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

• work

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

• words

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

• bible

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

• door

What a nice night for an evening.

• night

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

• karaoke

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

• humor

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

• stage

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

• babies

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

• birthday

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

• song

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

• funny

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• succeed

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

• politics

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

• add

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

• life

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

• night

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

• books

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

• radio

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

• friend

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

• hospital

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.

• time

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

• eyes

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

• life

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

• birthday

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• need

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

• walk

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

• look

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

• imagination

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

• future