Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

How young can you die of old age?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.

I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.

.. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I have an answering machine in my car.

It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.

They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.