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Steven Wright Quotes

List of quotations and sayings by the american comedian Steven Wright on topics like people, funny, life

  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    — Steven Wright on funny
    70
  • What's another word for Thesaurus?

    — Steven Wright on funny
    54
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

    — Steven Wright on amnesia
    40
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

    — Steven Wright on funny
    31
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

    — Steven Wright on contentment
    16
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  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

    — Steven Wright on mind
    13
  • If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

    — Steven Wright on words
    13
  • Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

    — Steven Wright on humor
    12
  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

    — Steven Wright on funny
    10
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

    — Steven Wright on legal
    10
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    — Steven Wright on fine
    9
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

    — Steven Wright on funny
    8
  • About Steven Wright

    Name Steven Wright
    Quotes 189 quotations
    Nationality American
    Profession Comedian
    Birthday December 6, 1955
    About Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, and one-liners with contrived situations.
    Top topics people, funny, life, humor, live
  • Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

    — Steven Wright on black
    7
  • If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

    — Steven Wright on humor
    7
  • I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".

    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    — Steven Wright on breakfast
    6
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

    — Steven Wright on asked
    5
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  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    — Steven Wright on breaks
    5
  • I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

    — Steven Wright on funny
    5
  • My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

    — Steven Wright on baby
    5
  • Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

    — Steven Wright on deeper
    5
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

    — Steven Wright on apartment
    4
  • I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

    — Steven Wright on poetry
    4
  • In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

    — Steven Wright on argument
    4
  • If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

    — Steven Wright on forest
    4
  • How young can you die of old age?

    — Steven Wright on age
    4
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    — Steven Wright on fingers
    4
  • Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

    — Steven Wright on night
    4
  • I have the world's largest collection of seashells.

    I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

    — Steven Wright on beaches
    4
  • I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    — Steven Wright on pet
    4
  • I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

    — Steven Wright on life
    4
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

    — Steven Wright on cat
    3
  • If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

    — Steven Wright on drown
    3
  • If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

    — Steven Wright on happen
    3
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.

    .. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

    — Steven Wright on birthday
    3
  • If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

    — Steven Wright on humor
    3
  • I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.

    I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

    — Steven Wright on car
    3
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

    — Steven Wright on heat
    3
  • I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

    — Steven Wright on car
    3
  • I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

    — Steven Wright on buy
    3
  • I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

    — Steven Wright on bank
    3
  • It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

    — Steven Wright on matter
    3
  • I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

    — Steven Wright on existential
    2
  • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.

    They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

    — Steven Wright on asked
    2
  • My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

    — Steven Wright on circular
    2
  • I have an answering machine in my car.

    It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

    — Steven Wright on answering
    2
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

    — Steven Wright on car
    2
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

    — Steven Wright on car
    2
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

    — Steven Wright on asked
    2
  • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

    — Steven Wright on cards
    1
  • There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.

    Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

    — Steven Wright on department
    1
  • Related Topics

    • funny
    • forever
    • intend
    • live
    • good
    • thesaurus
    • word
    • amnesia
    • humor
    • memory
    • i’m
    • déjà
    • time
    • i’ve
    • forgotten
    • afraid
    • heights
    • people
    • lot
    • widths
    • contentment
    • put
    • mind
    • daydream
    • wandering
    • words
    • dictionary
    • misspelled
    • perspective
    • walking
    • distance
    • book
    • numbers
    • page
    • writing

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