Best quotes by the American Comedian Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • funny

What's another word for Thesaurus?
  • funny

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • amnesia

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  • funny



You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • Contentment

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • Mind

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  • humor

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  • Words

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • between

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  • funny

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • funny

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • legal

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
  • black

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
  • humor

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
  • funny

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • breakfast

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • different

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
  • argument

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
  • apartment

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
  • forest

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
  • deeper

How young can you die of old age?
  • age

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • breaks

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
  • all

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
  • beaches

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
  • Life

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  • poetry

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
  • anything

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  • car

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
  • ask


Pictures quotes by Steven Wright

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Steven Wright Quotes About

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Steven Wright humor quotes

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • amnesia

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  • humor

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
  • humor

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  • humor

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
  • books

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • humor

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
  • humor

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
  • books

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Steven Wright people quotes

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  • funny

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
  • apartment

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  • car

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  • department

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • cards

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
  • people

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • acid

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Steven Wright time quotes

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  • humor

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • breakfast

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
  • bank

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  • amnesia

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • almost

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
  • add

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Steven Wright funny quotes

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • funny

What's another word for Thesaurus?
  • funny

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  • funny

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  • funny

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • funny

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
  • funny

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Steven Wright car quotes

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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  • car

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  • car

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • car

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
  • car

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  • answering

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
  • car

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • cards

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More quotes by Steven Wright

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
  • matter

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
  • drown

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • asked

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • birthday



I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • pet

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • heat

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
  • anything

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  • humor

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
  • circular

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
  • existential

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  • car

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • car

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
  • car

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  • answering

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • cat

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
  • bank

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
  • asked

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
  • body

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
  • box

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
  • autobiography

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • alaska

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
  • buying

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  • department

I invented the cordless extension cord.
  • cord

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • anywhere

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
  • shoot

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
  • morning

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
  • asked

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
  • car

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
  • down

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
  • hear

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • cards

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
  • adopted

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  • amnesia

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  • arms

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
  • dead

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
  • add

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?
  • Life

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
  • babies

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
  • door

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
  • people

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • almost

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
  • announcer

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
  • asked

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
  • books

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
  • bill

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
  • advertising

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • civilization

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • cholesterol

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
  • irons

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
  • earlier

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • acid

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
  • difference

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
  • paint

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
  • apartment

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
  • million

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
  • down

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
  • add

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
  • here

So, do you live around here often?
  • here

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
  • books

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • humor

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
  • humor

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
  • books


Comedian similar to Steven Wright


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Josh Billings 112 quotes
Groucho Marx 102 quotes
James Thurber 84 quotes
P. J. O'Rourke 66 quotes

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Best Steven Wright quotes

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Steven Wright pictures quotes

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Steven Wright's Quotes About ...
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People
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Funny
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All Steven Wright quotes

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