Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

How young can you die of old age?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.

I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.

.. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I have an answering machine in my car.

It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.

They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.