Steven Wright Quotes

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect;

then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.

.. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.

I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot.

Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.

It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.