110+ Steven Wright Quotes On Work, Deadpan And Surreal

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Top 10 Steven Wright Quotes (BEST)

  1. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  2. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  3. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  4. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  5. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  6. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  7. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  8. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  9. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
  10. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright Image Quotes

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quote by Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright

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How do you get off a non-stop flight? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. — Steven Wright

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright

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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. — Steven Wright

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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. — Steven Wright

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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Short Quotes

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  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
  • I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
quote by Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On Life

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. — Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. — Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. — Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. — Steven Wright

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? — Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. — Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. — Steven Wright

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On Work

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. — Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? — Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. — Steven Wright

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. — Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real." — Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' — Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average. — Steven Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On People

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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! — Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. — Steven Wright

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. — Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? — Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. — Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. — Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. — Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. — Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On Funny

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Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? — Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. — Steven Wright

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How come abbreviated is such a long word? — Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. — Steven Wright

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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. — Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. — Steven Wright

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. — Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On Humor

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. — Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat — Steven Wright

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? — Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it? — Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you? — Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read" — Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? — Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? — Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes On Live

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. — Steven Wright

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. — Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. — Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. — Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." — Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6. — Steven Wright

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em — Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Famous Quotes And Sayings

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quote by Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. — Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. — Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. — Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. — Steven Wright

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. — Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. — Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. — Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. — Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. — Steven Wright

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. — Steven Wright

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. — Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. — Steven Wright

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. — Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' — Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. — Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. — Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. — Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' — Steven Wright

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear. — Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? — Steven Wright

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. — Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? — Steven Wright

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. — Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. — Steven Wright

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. — Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. — Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. — Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' — Steven Wright

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far. — Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers. — Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! — Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. — Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. — Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. — Steven Wright

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps — Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start. — Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. — Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. — Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. — Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright

Life Lessons by Steven Wright

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  1. Life is unpredictable and filled with surprises, so it's important to stay flexible and open to change.
  2. It's important to take a step back and look at life from a different perspective, as Steven Wright often does in his comedy.
  3. It's important to find the humor in life and not take yourself too seriously.

In Conclusion

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