110+ Demetri Martin Quotes On Education, Marriage And Lessons

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is known for his stand-up comedy, his work on television shows such as The Daily Show and Important Things with Demetri Martin, and his comedy albums. He is also known for his dry, absurdist, and often observational humor. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Demetri Martin on love, life, education.

Top 10 Demetri Martin Quotes

1. I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
2. How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
3. I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
4. A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
5. I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
6. Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
7. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
8. If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
9. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
10. A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Demetri Martin Image Quotes

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine. — Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! — Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Short Quotes

• If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
• When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
• A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
• To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
• REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
• It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
• It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
• Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin Quotes About Love

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live." — Demetri Martin

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me. — Demetri Martin

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. — Demetri Martin

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone. — Demetri Martin

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way. — Demetri Martin

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. — Demetri Martin

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling. — Demetri Martin

Love is, and I hope it never isn't. — Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention. — Demetri Martin

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes About Life

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. — Demetri Martin

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. — Demetri Martin

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen. — Demetri Martin

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over. — Demetri Martin

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' — Demetri Martin

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful. — Demetri Martin

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. — Demetri Martin

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes About People

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait. — Demetri Martin

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better. — Demetri Martin

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons. — Demetri Martin

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' — Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. — Demetri Martin

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation. — Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes About Funny

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' — Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican." — Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. — Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. — Demetri Martin

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. — Demetri Martin

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself. — Demetri Martin

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. — Demetri Martin

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes About School

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities. — Demetri Martin

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. — Demetri Martin

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. — Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. — Demetri Martin

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed. — Demetri Martin

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' — Demetri Martin

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying." — Demetri Martin

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Quotes About Jokes

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works". — Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. — Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. — Demetri Martin

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. — Demetri Martin

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.' — Demetri Martin

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. — Demetri Martin

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. — Demetri Martin

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. — Demetri Martin

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else. — Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Famous Quotes And Sayings

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine. — Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! — Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' — Demetri Martin

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' — Demetri Martin

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher. — Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' — Demetri Martin

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot! — Demetri Martin

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. — Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' — Demetri Martin

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.' — Demetri Martin

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die. — Demetri Martin

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples. — Demetri Martin

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton". — Demetri Martin

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them. — Demetri Martin

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. — Demetri Martin

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. — Demetri Martin

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. — Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something. — Demetri Martin

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. — Demetri Martin

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. — Demetri Martin

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K. — Demetri Martin

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall. — Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them. — Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. — Demetri Martin

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. — Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' — Demetri Martin

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. — Demetri Martin

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually. — Demetri Martin

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. — Demetri Martin

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. — Demetri Martin

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. — Demetri Martin

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. — Demetri Martin

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you — Demetri Martin

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. — Demetri Martin

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. — Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity. — Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. — Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. — Demetri Martin

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. — Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. — Demetri Martin

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks. — Demetri Martin

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. — Demetri Martin

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. — Demetri Martin

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet. — Demetri Martin

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer. — Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. — Demetri Martin

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.' — Demetri Martin

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' — Demetri Martin

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. — Demetri Martin

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. — Demetri Martin

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World. — Demetri Martin

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate? — Demetri Martin

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. — Demetri Martin

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control. — Demetri Martin

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples! — Demetri Martin

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. — Demetri Martin

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting. — Demetri Martin

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair. — Demetri Martin

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. — Demetri Martin

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. — Demetri Martin

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep. — Demetri Martin

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie. — Demetri Martin

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. — Demetri Martin

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information. — Demetri Martin

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car. — Demetri Martin

Life Lessons by Demetri Martin

1. Demetri Martin teaches us to find humor in everyday life and to look at the world with a unique perspective.
2. He also encourages us to be creative and to think outside the box when it comes to problem solving.
3. Lastly, he reminds us to take life a little less seriously and to enjoy the moment.