I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

— Demetri Martin

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.


I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.


A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.


I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'


Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying.

If you have two then, God bless you.


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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.


If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!


The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.


A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.


When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.


If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.


I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'


About Demetri Martin

Quotes 494 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

I noticed that there are no B batteries.

I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'


THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.


One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage.

Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'


Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.


To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.


A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.


REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.


I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'


Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits.

Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.


It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater.

If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!


It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.


I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.


I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen.

And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.


I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.


Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."


Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.


If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.


I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.


I like video games, but they are very violent.

I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'


People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.


Batteries are the most dramatic object.

Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.


If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'


It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.


It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.


The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.


The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.


If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.


Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.


Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.


I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.


Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.


One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".


To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.


Last week I lost my temper in my karate class.

Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.


If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.


I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.


A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.