I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.— Eugene Mirman
The most powerful Eugene Mirman quotes that will transform you to a better person
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up.
So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff.
But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life.
Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be.
I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar.
I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen.
I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L.
Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things.
But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Confidence is the key to virtually everything.
It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.
A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist.
A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike.
I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.
It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life.
People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.