Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

— John Mulaney

The most captivate John Mulaney quotes that are easy to memorize and remember

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.


I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.


In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.


I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.


If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.


All my money is in a savings account.

My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.


I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.


I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on.

Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.


I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.


Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.


I think for many of us - speaking for just a pocket of the country - we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don't run home and check the nanny cam. But now we've left the baby with Gary Busey, so we're going to be a lot more on it.


I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.


About John Mulaney

Quotes 90 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Stand-up Comedian
Birthday August 26, 1982

Occasionally you get that one person that says "I really like that one part of this joke" and you go, "Oh thank you that's my favorite part too." But no, in order for it to be authentic hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself.


I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.


I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there [John Mulaney Show]. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I'd say I got a tiny bit better.


If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight you yelled at the back of the room.

But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes you're communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that's right in front of you as a guide for that.


I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.


I've done festivals in the past where I'd be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall - but that'll be a long way off. So it's very exciting.


It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club.

You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.


I've always believed that you often need less.

You don't need to hear why people are friends, you don't need to hear why people are roommates, you don't need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.


Understudies don't normally get invited to openings.


I do longer runs on things, a lot stories.

I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I've always been long-winded.


That was an interesting thing I learned I think the first time I did a late night show or something. It was like, "Oh, this is for the camera and a performance that you're giving to the people at home."


There's [John Mulaney Show] jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn't try to put in, I would try to have someone just speak extemporaneously in the middle of a scene about an episode of "Law and Order" or something.


It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.


Everyone's very relaxed about brand names in television.


Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.


As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward.

I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter... With my friends, I was still an extrovert.


Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.


I've seen most of the major, important shows, but I watch them all at once, like movies, so my TV relationships are still with shows like 'Law And Order: SVU,' 'Shark Tank,' and HGTV.


People having expectations maybe means they've enjoyed what I've done.


When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.


I look back on being 17 and think, 'Oh my God, how did I not die?'


In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy.

You know comedy once you're doing it.


Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.


Sometimes I - with comedy, it's like someone liking you in high school.

They either do, or they don't. And when they don't, they don't. And that's it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you're like, 'Hi! I'm -' and you stumble, and they're like, 'It's over.'


Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.


I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked.

And I tried it, and I walked much faster.


I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it.


I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay.


Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken


It's been very funny to try to act like an adult.

Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.


If someone had written a review saying, ''Oh, Hello' is stupid,' we would have said, 'Yeah, it is. You're absolutely right.' That people liked it was extremely cool.


My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial.

I don't think we had a family dinner where one didn't come up.


I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.


You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don't know what they're talking about.


On Friday night, it was fun [to know] that if you bombed, or whatever was going on, that you'd be on TV at 11. It was a cool feeling, and you'd get a couple hundred dollars.


With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway.


It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.