You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'— John Oliver
The most scandalous John Oliver quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.
Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.
News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.
Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.
The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home.
It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.
When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.
Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American.
Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil.
Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.
Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago.
She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.
The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.
People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic.
When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny.
What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.
I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.
As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.
I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.
People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.
I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.
Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.
In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.
I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.
Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.
I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.
Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.
I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny.
Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.
I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy.
I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.
I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.
I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.
Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes.
As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.
Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver.
Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.