110+ Stephen Colbert Quotes (Satirical, Witty And Insightful)

Stephen Colbert is an American comedian, writer, producer, political commentator, actor, and television host. He is best known for hosting the satirical Comedy Central program The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014, and the CBS talk program The Late Show with Stephen Colbert since 2015. He has won nine Primetime Emmy Awards, two Grammy Awards, and two Peabody Awards.

Top 10 Stephen Colbert Quotes

1. God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
2. Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
3. Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
4. It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
5. This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
6. Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
7. ‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
8. What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
9. Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
10. Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Stephen Colbert Short Quotes

• An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
• There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
• It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
• I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
• I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
• There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
• Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
• I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
• Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
• You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

Stephen Colbert Famous Quotes And Sayings

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. — Stephen Colbert

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. — Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. — Stephen Colbert

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. — Stephen Colbert

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. — Stephen Colbert

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. — Stephen Colbert

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. — Stephen Colbert

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. — Stephen Colbert

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands. — Stephen Colbert

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! — Stephen Colbert

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. — Stephen Colbert

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women. — Stephen Colbert

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. — Stephen Colbert

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. — Stephen Colbert

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. — Stephen Colbert

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. — Stephen Colbert

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. — Stephen Colbert

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. — Stephen Colbert

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'? — Stephen Colbert

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face. — Stephen Colbert

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back. — Stephen Colbert

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting. — Stephen Colbert

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. — Stephen Colbert

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. — Stephen Colbert

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! — Stephen Colbert

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. — Stephen Colbert

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are. — Stephen Colbert

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. — Stephen Colbert

I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show. — Stephen Colbert

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. — Stephen Colbert

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. — Stephen Colbert

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? — Stephen Colbert

Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. — Stephen Colbert

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. — Stephen Colbert

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief — Stephen Colbert

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. — Stephen Colbert

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. — Stephen Colbert

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. — Stephen Colbert

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. — Stephen Colbert

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. — Stephen Colbert

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal. — Stephen Colbert

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. — Stephen Colbert

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus. — Stephen Colbert

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. — Stephen Colbert

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse. — Stephen Colbert

I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to. — Stephen Colbert

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes. — Stephen Colbert

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. — Stephen Colbert

You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer. — Stephen Colbert

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth. — Stephen Colbert

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? — Stephen Colbert

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights. — Stephen Colbert

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. — Stephen Colbert

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid. — Stephen Colbert

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. — Stephen Colbert

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. — Stephen Colbert

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. — Stephen Colbert

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time. — Stephen Colbert

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations. — Stephen Colbert

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! — Stephen Colbert

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal. — Stephen Colbert

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. — Stephen Colbert

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. — Stephen Colbert

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. — Stephen Colbert

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once? — Stephen Colbert

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. — Stephen Colbert

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? — Stephen Colbert

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? — Stephen Colbert

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours — Stephen Colbert

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising. — Stephen Colbert

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. — Stephen Colbert

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman. — Stephen Colbert

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. — Stephen Colbert

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. — Stephen Colbert

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock — Stephen Colbert

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. — Stephen Colbert

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. — Stephen Colbert

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth. — Stephen Colbert

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. — Stephen Colbert

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. — Stephen Colbert

If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work. — Stephen Colbert

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. — Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all. — Stephen Colbert

I can't prove it, but I can say it. — Stephen Colbert

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. — Stephen Colbert

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. — Stephen Colbert

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. — Stephen Colbert

I'm impervious to logic. — Stephen Colbert

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. — Stephen Colbert

Life Lessons by Stephen Colbert

1. Stephen Colbert teaches us to never take life too seriously, and to always find the humor in situations.
2. He also encourages us to never be afraid to speak up and stand up for what we believe in.
3. Finally, Stephen Colbert reminds us to always be humble and kind, and to never forget to laugh at ourselves.