God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.— Stephen Colbert
The most attractive Stephen Colbert quotes that will add value to your life
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive.
You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high.
They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it.
Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
Used books are the sluts of the literary world.
Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it.
But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
I would say laughter is the best medicine.
But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me.
They don't have mouths or hands.
Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns.
And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama.
Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.
What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope.
Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.
You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all.
With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W.
Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v.
Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.
. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call.
Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.
S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show.