A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

ā€” Craig Kilborn

The most mind-blowing Craig Kilborn quotes to get the best of your day

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

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Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.

26

It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'

19

Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.

12

Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

11

I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

8

The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers.

In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

6

John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.

Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.

6

Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.

4

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

4

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

3

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.

3

About Craig Kilborn

Quotes 78 sayings
Profession Entertainer
Birthday October 16

Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'

3

In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone.

The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

3

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race.

He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'

2

As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

1

Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.

0

If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!

0

Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.

0

Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news .

.. Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

0

On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.

0

There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'

0

Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it.

Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?

0

You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'

0

It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.

0

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

0

California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'

0

I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.

0

President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence.

Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?

0

President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records.

He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.

0

As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.

0

Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him.

Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.

0

Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place.

0

Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.

0

In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops.

Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

0

I pride myself on being down-to-earth.

Iā€™m from the Midwest. People who go into show business are screwed up. I romanticized about having a serene life.

0

There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser.

When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'

0

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'

0

President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars.

He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.

0

Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

0

I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.

0

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor.

He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II

0

I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.

0

Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

0

John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners.

His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.

0

They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote.

At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.

0

There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry.

You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.

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My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

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This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'

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