110+ Craig Ferguson Quotes On Success, Marriage And Alcoholism

Craig Ferguson is a Scottish comedian, actor, writer, and television host. He is best known for hosting The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS from 2005 to 2014. He currently hosts the game show Celebrity Name Game, which began airing in syndication in the United States and Canada in October 2014. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Craig Ferguson on leadership, success, life.

Top 10 Craig Ferguson Quotes

1. I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
2. I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
3. A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
4. There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.
5. There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
6. These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
7. Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
8. Stand by your bed and salute me.
9. Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.
10. I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Craig Ferguson Short Quotes

• If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
• When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
• Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
• I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
• With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
• I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
• I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
• Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
• Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
• I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Craig Ferguson Quotes About Life

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. — Craig Ferguson

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill. — Craig Ferguson

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life. — Craig Ferguson

BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up. — Craig Ferguson

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks. — Craig Ferguson

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. — Craig Ferguson

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff. — Craig Ferguson

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong? — Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's. — Craig Ferguson

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation. — Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson Quotes About Alcoholism

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. — Craig Ferguson

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves. — Craig Ferguson

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious. — Craig Ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. — Craig Ferguson

Whoever I had become had to die. — Craig Ferguson

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view. — Craig Ferguson

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. — Craig Ferguson

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels. — Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson Quotes About Drinking

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet. — Craig Ferguson

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. — Craig Ferguson

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.' — Craig Ferguson

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass. — Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson Famous Quotes And Sayings

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable. — Craig Ferguson

Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance. — Craig Ferguson

I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate. — Craig Ferguson

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words. — Craig Ferguson

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. — Craig Ferguson

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn. — Craig Ferguson

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste. — Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. — Craig Ferguson

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator. — Craig Ferguson

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No. — Craig Ferguson

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me. — Craig Ferguson

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. — Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. — Craig Ferguson

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. — Craig Ferguson

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers. — Craig Ferguson

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery! — Craig Ferguson

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job. — Craig Ferguson

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall. — Craig Ferguson

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo. — Craig Ferguson

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus. — Craig Ferguson

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. — Craig Ferguson

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction. — Craig Ferguson

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy. — Craig Ferguson

Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks. — Craig Ferguson

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die. — Craig Ferguson

I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream. — Craig Ferguson

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best. — Craig Ferguson

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. — Craig Ferguson

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. — Craig Ferguson

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah. — Craig Ferguson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. — Craig Ferguson

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots. — Craig Ferguson

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks. — Craig Ferguson

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell. — Craig Ferguson

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism. — Craig Ferguson

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. — Craig Ferguson

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women. — Craig Ferguson

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys. — Craig Ferguson

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin. — Craig Ferguson

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies. — Craig Ferguson

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember. — Craig Ferguson

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps. — Craig Ferguson

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. — Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. — Craig Ferguson

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag. — Craig Ferguson

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. — Craig Ferguson

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. — Craig Ferguson

I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it. — Craig Ferguson

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. — Craig Ferguson

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. — Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year. — Craig Ferguson

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis. — Craig Ferguson

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start! — Craig Ferguson

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN. — Craig Ferguson

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. — Craig Ferguson

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying. — Craig Ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell. — Craig Ferguson

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. — Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call. — Craig Ferguson

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies. — Craig Ferguson

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.' — Craig Ferguson

There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling. — Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old. — Craig Ferguson

Fat is where comedy is stored. — Craig Ferguson

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth. — Craig Ferguson

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own. — Craig Ferguson

Oh Satan you're a wily one. — Craig Ferguson

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones. — Craig Ferguson

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself. — Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence. — Craig Ferguson

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something. — Craig Ferguson

Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.' — Craig Ferguson

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't. — Craig Ferguson

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up. — Craig Ferguson

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard! — Craig Ferguson

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney. — Craig Ferguson

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt. — Craig Ferguson

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew? — Craig Ferguson

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it! — Craig Ferguson

Life Lessons by Craig Ferguson

1. Craig Ferguson teaches us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to never give up on our dreams.
2. He also emphasizes the importance of self-confidence and believing in ourselves, even when others don't.
3. Lastly, Craig Ferguson reminds us to be kind to others and to enjoy life, no matter what obstacles we face.