For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.— Craig Ferguson
The most pioneering Craig Ferguson quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.
A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween.
As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden.
Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.
Stand by your bed and salute me.
Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously.
These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence.
Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world.
This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate.
In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
People talk to old people like they're children.
'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested.
Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters.
Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band;
we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night.
Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer.
And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas;
a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International.
Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty.
But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st.
Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.