David Letterman Quotes

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country.

But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street.

I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background.

And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

When you think about flying, it's nuts really.

Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II.

However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

People say New Yorkers can't get along.

Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.

When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons.

That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down.

That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense.

But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions.

For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!

You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba.

A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now.

For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming.

You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.