110+ David Letterman Quotes On Writing, Joaquin Phoenix And Johnny Carson

David Letterman was an American comedian, television host, writer, and producer. He hosted late night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with the NBC show Late Night with David Letterman in 1982 and ending with the CBS show Late Show with David Letterman in 2015. He was also the host and co-creator of the show Late Night with David Letterman from 1982 to 1993. Following is our collection on famous quotes by David Letterman on leadership, writing, love.

Top 10 David Letterman Quotes

1. President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
2. They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
3. Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.
4. Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
5. I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
6. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
7. Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
8. Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
9. There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
10. America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

David Letterman Short Quotes

• BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.
• Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
• I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
• Them bats is smart. They use radar!
• My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
• Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
• If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
• I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
• In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.
• There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

David Letterman Quotes About Writing

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. — David Letterman

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap! — David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. — David Letterman

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game. — David Letterman

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. — David Letterman

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About Love

I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum. — David Letterman

Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. — David Letterman

A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP. — David Letterman

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. — David Letterman

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver. — David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd. — David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. — David Letterman

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. — David Letterman

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About Funny

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.' — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas. — David Letterman

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. — David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat! — David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. — David Letterman

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About People

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. — David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. — David Letterman

Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates. — David Letterman

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.' — David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. — David Letterman

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little. — David Letterman

Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know. — David Letterman

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it. — David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. — David Letterman

Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About Bush

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. — David Letterman

The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question. — David Letterman

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.' — David Letterman

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay. — David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. — David Letterman

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam. — David Letterman

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too. — David Letterman

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.' — David Letterman

President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20. — David Letterman

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About York

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac. — David Letterman

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. — David Letterman

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock. — David Letterman

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole. — David Letterman

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS? — David Letterman

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch. — David Letterman

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. — David Letterman

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family. — David Letterman

Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire. — David Letterman

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About Iraq

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. — David Letterman

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream. — David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. — David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. — David Letterman

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.' — David Letterman

Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine. — David Letterman

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States. — David Letterman

President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration. — David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. — David Letterman

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone. — David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes About Saddam

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? — David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. — David Letterman

Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg. — David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. — David Letterman

David Letterman Famous Quotes And Sayings

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death. — David Letterman

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.' — David Letterman

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. — David Letterman

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. — David Letterman

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea. — David Letterman

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century. — David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. — David Letterman

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached. — David Letterman

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. — David Letterman

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids. — David Letterman

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization. — David Letterman

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets! — David Letterman

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole. — David Letterman

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then. — David Letterman

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. — David Letterman

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. — David Letterman

You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig. — David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. — David Letterman

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes. — David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. — David Letterman

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms. — David Letterman

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive. — David Letterman

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal. — David Letterman

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front. — David Letterman

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman. — David Letterman

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater". — David Letterman

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number. — David Letterman

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary. — David Letterman

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails. — David Letterman

There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi. — David Letterman

Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large. — David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. — David Letterman

Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps. — David Letterman

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? — David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. — David Letterman

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. — David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. — David Letterman

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. — David Letterman

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman

One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that. — David Letterman

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century. — David Letterman

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! — David Letterman

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. — David Letterman

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife. — David Letterman

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage. — David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. — David Letterman

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street. — David Letterman

Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote. — David Letterman

When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do. — David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch. — David Letterman

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between. — David Letterman

President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope. — David Letterman

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss. — David Letterman

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do. — David Letterman

Life Lessons by David Letterman

1. David Letterman's comedic style has taught us to always find the humor in life, no matter how difficult the situation.
2. His ability to stay humble and self-deprecating in the face of success is a great reminder to stay grounded and appreciate the little things in life.
3. His resilience in the face of adversity is a great example of how to pick yourself up and keep going, no matter how hard the journey may be.