Jon Stewart Quotes That Are humorous, insightful and satirical

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy.

Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.

I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it.

It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show.

It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life.

We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich.

It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.