If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.— Dave Attell
The most heartwarming Dave Attell quotes that will activate your desire to change
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you.
Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass.
There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle.
But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's.
Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so.
The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part.
I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying.
D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
I've never had a surprise birthday party.
I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, .
.. I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it.
..like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
I tell you one thing that's great about children.
They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military.
He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares.
But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears.
It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson.
Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it.
They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do.
I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations.
Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.