Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.— David Cross
The most sensitive David Cross quotes that are easy to memorize and remember
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin.
We give the stage to good bands and funny people.
I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it.
But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative
You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.
We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up.
All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"
I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids.
'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.
There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really.
I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.
I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.
I stand by everything I said. I absolutely can defend my material, and I take issue with people who say, "It's just shock value. It's not even funny." I disagree. There's different ways to be funny and to be a comedian.
The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.
Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I did one of the worst shows for that kind of thing in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is one of the most liberal spots on the planet. There were numerous people who walked out, somebody had thrown a beer, I had people yelling and screaming.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children.
I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.
What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'
What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see.
.. all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.
I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.
I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.
Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.
I just did 101 shows in 86 different cities in America and Europe and Canada, and I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say, at the vast majority of shows, they loved it. There were encores, there were standing ovations.
I think the policies, for the most part, that [Hillary Clinton] will put in place are not going to make positive changes. There'll be more status quo. She'll certainly be good for some groups of people. Whatever.
I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.
I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets.
But that's the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren't interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I'll never understand the anger people have toward me.
Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset.
Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.
My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.
I think for a lot of people, it's just where their saturation point was.
Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff and the Republican stuff and the Ayn Rand followers, it doesn't let up for about half an hour. It gets hard and stays hard for a while.
I do not want to encourage heckling and outbreaks at all.
I grew up in that minority. I grew up in the South, in Roswell, Georgia, and it was heavily white, Baptist, conservative. And the idea that somebody would come there and say those things that I said created an atmosphere where some people would walk out, and suddenly they weren't in the minority. For an hour and a half, they were the majority. So I would argue that it does need to be said.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
I've gotten "condescending" a million times, and that's not good.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff, you get people going, "I didn't come here to have my political views bashed."
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.
When we were on the bus doing the Mr.
Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.
I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.
I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.
Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever.
This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.
I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.
It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.