You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.— David Spade
The most authentic David Spade quotes that will add value to your life
Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds.
I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there.
It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
I have no detectable hair style.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends.
In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
The last girl I went out with blew me off.
Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
Horrible date all through high school and college.
Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.
I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican.
It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
It's just easier to make fun and cut down.
It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
Single guys get a bad rap.
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly.
And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
My career is just kind of crazy.
I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association.
And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
Spent most of the summer looking for shade.
Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.
MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.