Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.— Dov Davidoff
The most killer Dov Davidoff quotes that are new and everybody is talking about
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic.
Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk.
Let's check under the hood.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons.
I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought;
but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite.
I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions.
It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness.
It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys.
They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.