Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.— Dov Davidoff
The most killer Dov Davidoff quotes that are new and everybody is talking about
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic.
Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk.
Let's check under the hood.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons.
I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought;
but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite.
I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction.
.. People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions.
It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness.
It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.