110+ Dana Gould Quotes On World, Seinfeld And Funny

Dana Gould is an American comedian, actor, writer and producer. He is best known for his stand-up comedy, which he has performed on television and in clubs across the United States. He is also known for his roles in the television series The Ben Stiller Show and The Simpsons. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Dana Gould on leadership, life, love.

Top 10 Dana Gould Quotes

1. Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
2. Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
3. The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
4. Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
5. I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
6. Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
7. To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
8. I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
9. I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.
10. Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Dana Gould Short Quotes

• I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
• You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
• Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
• Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
• This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
• When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
• I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
• When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
• I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
• Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Dana Gould Quotes About Life

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much. — Dana Gould

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life. — Dana Gould

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman. — Dana Gould

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism! — Dana Gould

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise. — Dana Gould

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear. — Dana Gould

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see. — Dana Gould

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. — Dana Gould

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault. — Dana Gould

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers. — Dana Gould

Dana Gould Quotes About Love

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. — Dana Gould

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere. — Dana Gould

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible. — Dana Gould

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right. — Dana Gould

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price. — Dana Gould

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. — Dana Gould

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one. — Dana Gould

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech. — Dana Gould

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship. — Dana Gould

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps. — Dana Gould

Dana Gould Quotes About World

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike. — Dana Gould

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. — Dana Gould

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out. — Dana Gould

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right — Dana Gould

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. — Dana Gould

Dana Gould Famous Quotes And Sayings

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. — Dana Gould

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping. — Dana Gould

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows. — Dana Gould

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes! — Dana Gould

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call. — Dana Gould

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole. — Dana Gould

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies. — Dana Gould

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. — Dana Gould

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork? — Dana Gould

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit. — Dana Gould

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. — Dana Gould

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion. — Dana Gould

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant. — Dana Gould

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger. — Dana Gould

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you. — Dana Gould

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it. — Dana Gould

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones. — Dana Gould

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no. — Dana Gould

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman. — Dana Gould

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice. — Dana Gould

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges. — Dana Gould

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake. — Dana Gould

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past. — Dana Gould

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage. — Dana Gould

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. — Dana Gould

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas. — Dana Gould

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. — Dana Gould

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea. — Dana Gould

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop. — Dana Gould

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction. — Dana Gould

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes. — Dana Gould

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh. — Dana Gould

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number. — Dana Gould

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place? — Dana Gould

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author. — Dana Gould

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty. — Dana Gould

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb. — Dana Gould

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants. — Dana Gould

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. — Dana Gould

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off. — Dana Gould

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason. — Dana Gould

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now. — Dana Gould

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'. — Dana Gould

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. — Dana Gould

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter. — Dana Gould

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare. — Dana Gould

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen. — Dana Gould

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet. — Dana Gould

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good. — Dana Gould

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire. — Dana Gould

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy. — Dana Gould

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage. — Dana Gould

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost? — Dana Gould

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife. — Dana Gould

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships. — Dana Gould

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles. — Dana Gould

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding. — Dana Gould

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm! — Dana Gould

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically. — Dana Gould

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging. — Dana Gould

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else. — Dana Gould

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers. — Dana Gould

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in. — Dana Gould

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies. — Dana Gould

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles. — Dana Gould

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. — Dana Gould

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey. — Dana Gould

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great? — Dana Gould

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done. — Dana Gould

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it? — Dana Gould

Life Lessons by Dana Gould

1. Dana Gould's work teaches us to find humor in the mundane and everyday aspects of life. He encourages us to take a step back and to find humor in the situations we find ourselves in.
2. Gould also emphasizes the importance of self-expression and being true to yourself. He encourages us to embrace our individuality and to be confident in our own unique perspectives.
3. Lastly, Gould encourages us to be open to learning from others and to be open to different points of view. He encourages us to be curious and to explore different ideas and perspectives.