Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

— Dana Gould

The most whopping Dana Gould quotes to discover and learn by heart

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

22

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

21

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

17

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

16

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman.

Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

16

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof.

It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

14

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars.

Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

13

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

11

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

10

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

10

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

10

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

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About Dana Gould

Quotes 260 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday August 24, 1964

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

9

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

9

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

9

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole.

The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

8

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

8

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

8

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

7

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

7

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

6

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

6

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

6

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

5

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

5

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

5

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

5

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

5

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants.

I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

5

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

5

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

5

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

5

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

5

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

5

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

5

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively.

Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

5

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

4

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

4

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

4

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

4

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

4

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

4

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

4

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

3

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

3

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

3

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry.

They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

3

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

3

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.

A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

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