110+ Doug Stanhope Quotes On Education, Money And Nationalism

Top 10 Doug Stanhope Quotes (BEST)

  1. There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
  2. Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
  3. Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
  4. Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
  5. America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
  6. That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
  7. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
  8. I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
  9. The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
  10. We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Doug Stanhope Short Quotes

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  • Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
  • You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
  • People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
  • Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
  • High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
  • I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
  • Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.
  • At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
  • Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
  • I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Doug Stanhope Quotes On Life

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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. — Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night. — Doug Stanhope

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them. — Doug Stanhope

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. — Doug Stanhope

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye. — Doug Stanhope

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone. — Doug Stanhope

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later! — Doug Stanhope

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. — Doug Stanhope

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. — Doug Stanhope

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Quotes On Love

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I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle. — Doug Stanhope

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes. — Doug Stanhope

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment. — Doug Stanhope

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee. — Doug Stanhope

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation. — Doug Stanhope

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps. — Doug Stanhope

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Famous Quotes And Sayings

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Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this. — Doug Stanhope

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. — Doug Stanhope

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding. — Doug Stanhope

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking. — Doug Stanhope

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? — Doug Stanhope

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society. — Doug Stanhope

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. — Doug Stanhope

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. — Doug Stanhope

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game! — Doug Stanhope

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake. — Doug Stanhope

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback. — Doug Stanhope

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!" — Doug Stanhope

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive. — Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! — Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long. — Doug Stanhope

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. — Doug Stanhope

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people. — Doug Stanhope

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally. — Doug Stanhope

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with. — Doug Stanhope

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. — Doug Stanhope

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion. — Doug Stanhope

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name. — Doug Stanhope

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years? — Doug Stanhope

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual. — Doug Stanhope

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. — Doug Stanhope

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it. — Doug Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? — Doug Stanhope

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience. — Doug Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. — Doug Stanhope

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't. — Doug Stanhope

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get. — Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall. — Doug Stanhope

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society. — Doug Stanhope

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents. — Doug Stanhope

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity. — Doug Stanhope

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking. — Doug Stanhope

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?! — Doug Stanhope

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness. — Doug Stanhope

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card. — Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. — Doug Stanhope

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. — Doug Stanhope

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD — Doug Stanhope

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures. — Doug Stanhope

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism. — Doug Stanhope

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse. — Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people. — Doug Stanhope

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security. — Doug Stanhope

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate. — Doug Stanhope

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. — Doug Stanhope

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!" — Doug Stanhope

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds. — Doug Stanhope

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. — Doug Stanhope

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. — Doug Stanhope

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. — Doug Stanhope

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act. — Doug Stanhope

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds. — Doug Stanhope

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt. — Doug Stanhope

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. — Doug Stanhope

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig. — Doug Stanhope

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone. — Doug Stanhope

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you. — Doug Stanhope

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. — Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them. — Doug Stanhope

AA makes Scientology look credible. — Doug Stanhope

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is. — Doug Stanhope

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. — Doug Stanhope

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them. — Doug Stanhope

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid. — Doug Stanhope

Coward is the most misused word in our society. — Doug Stanhope

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. — Doug Stanhope

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk. — Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. — Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

Life Lessons by Doug Stanhope

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  1. Doug Stanhope teaches us to be authentic and honest with ourselves and others, and to never be afraid to speak our truth.
  2. He encourages us to challenge the status quo and to think critically about the world around us.
  3. Stanhope's comedy also reminds us to laugh at ourselves and to find joy in the absurdity of life.

In Conclusion

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