There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

β€” Doug Stanhope

The most wonderful Doug Stanhope quotes that are new and everybody is talking about

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this.

Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.


Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met


I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.


Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?


Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?


They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.


Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.


I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.


America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway.

It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.


That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.


I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.


Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.


About Doug Stanhope

Quotes 215 sayings
Profession Stand-up comedian
Birthday March 25, 1967

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.


The key to a good life: excess in moderation.

They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.


Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.


We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.


People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.


You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.


If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?


When you consider the overpopulation in this world .

.. homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.


Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.


If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one.

Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.


I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.


Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.


High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.


Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.


The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.


The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.


A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics.

Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!


The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.


At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.


People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"


When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing.

I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.


Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!


All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!


I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.


Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water.

Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.


The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death.

But then it gets better during the day.


Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.


Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.


If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.


I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual.

Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.


I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.


Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.


Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry.

Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?


Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game.

Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.


You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.


The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.


Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.

95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.