When there's no girls around, there's humor. — Joe Gatto
What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh! — Agnes Repplier
Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. — Samuel Beckett
A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally. — John Ratzenberger
There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them. — Niels Bohr
There is nothing more precious than laughter — Frida Kahlo
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. — Mark Twain
It actually giggles at you as it goes by. — Rick Monday
I think any man over 250 pounds rollerblading is instant hilarity. There's nothing funnier than a giant, grown man rollerblading. — Chris Pratt
Short Hilarious Quotes
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. — Edward Abbey
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. — Melanie Griffith
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. — Oscar Wilde
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? — Benny Hill
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. — Charles Wadsworth
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Earl Wilson
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers. — Bill Belichick
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target — Ashleigh Brilliant
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. — Carrie Fisher
Hilarious Image Quotes
My life is an open book. With illustrations. — Hugh Hefner
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. — Jerry Seinfeld
Birthday Hilarious Quotes
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. — Will Rogers
You're birthday reminds me of the old Chinese scholar..... Yung No Mo — Dana Rosemary Scallon
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. — Will Rogers
Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. — C. E. M. Joad
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. — Robert Orben
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. — Wendy Liebman
If you want to look young and thin on your birthday. Hang around a bunch of old fat people. — Anthony
I sometimes have birthday parties for the kids in my neighborhood and then pretend to suggest that I am going to molest them to the parents. It's a hilarious prank even though I am not a paedophile. — Thom Yorke
I'll never forget my 24th birthday when my tooth got punched out. And for a second I was like, it would be really hilarious if I sold it on eBay. But I can't, that's just too creepy. I don't think I can go there. — Evan Rachel Wood
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. — Bill Gates
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it. — Sherrilyn Kenyon
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. — Groucho Marx
Inspirational Hilarious Quotes
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. — Mark Twain
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. — Billy Sunday
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. — Caroline Rhea
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. — Robert Bloch
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. — Steve Martin
People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader. — Steven Seagal
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. — Mindy Kaling
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?” — Tina Fey
People say women shouldn't have long hair over a certain age, but I've never done what everyone says. — Jane Seymour
Hilarious Love Quotes
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. — Chris Rock
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there. — George Burns
I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel. As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you. — Steven Strogatz
After a long day at work, I want someone to come home, turn on my video and think, "Oh my god, how girls get ready? This is hilarious, I love this, I'm forgetting about all my problems." — Lilly Singh
Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? — Ellen DeGeneres
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. — Woody Allen
I once worked with Emma Thompsons mother, Phyllida Law. I worked with her on a BBC drama, and she was hilarious. I loved her so much, and she was great to work with. — Thomas Brodie-Sangster
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. — George Carlin
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved. — Sandra Bernhard
Hilarious Sports Quotes
That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on. — John Lambie
When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey. — Randy Moss
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than to have that done. — Matt Stairs
The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level. — Chuck LaMar
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted — George Best
I led the league in go get 'em next time. — Bob Uecker
I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that. — Jerry Rice
My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. — Chuck Nevitt
Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. — Shelby Metcalf
I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl. — Russ Grimm
Hysterically Funny Quotes
My mental hands were empty, and I felt I must do something as a counterirritant or antibody to my hysterical alarm at getting married at the age of 43. — Ian Fleming
In fact, [Gene Wilder] had made a hysteric seem considerably less funny in his film debut as a terrified undertaker in "Bonnie And Clyde." And neurotics soon became his stock-in-trade, whether he was playing the weird title character in "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory..." — Gene Wilder
My heart is so light that it's amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It's hysterically funny. I am very light. — Linda Hamilton
Hysterically funny, amazingly talented people. That's what I think of when I think of Canada. That, and cold beer. And mountains. — Richard Patrick
Hysterical in The Mask; funny yet moving in The Truman Show. — Jim Carrey
It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny. — Seth Green
You should look up some of the reviews. The New York Times review is so over-the-top funny. It's hysterical. You should dig it out. — Judd Apatow
Any man that has had a mother, has a sister, wants to be a father will find this [movie Bad Moms] incredibly eye opening and hysterical and funny. — Mila Kunis
The great thing about Eminem is, he's just hysterical. You forget, people like Eminem because he is riotously funny. And he's a great actor. — Judd Apatow
It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny. — Seth
Extremely Funny Quotes
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success. — Ernest Shackleton
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey
The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby. — Marion Nestle
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. — Dave Barry
When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal. — David Chase
I mean they [ Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis] are both just really good guys and also they're both extremely funny in very unique ways. We made each other laugh an awful lot, and that goes a long way. And we also went through some hard times. I mean it was hard to make this movie [The Hangover]. — Ed Helms
Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration. — Steve Toltz
From Kelsey, I have learned among many other things the value of turning on a dime and how you can have an extremely funny and extremely poignant moment with absolutely no separation in between... and sometimes in the same moment. — David Hyde Pierce
It's funny, though, because when I first started going to races after we met, I was extremely nervous. It's like being backstage and hoping you don't trip over something or break an amp or accidentally speak into a live microphone, so I was really hesitant. — Ashley Judd
The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander. — Murray Walker
Super Funny Quotes
People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. — Jake Paul
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. — Dave Attell
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. — Barbara Seaman
I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way. — Megan Fox
It's funny, but when there are dominant teams, there are a number of people who rail about the fact that they're always seeing the Dallas Cowboys or the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay either in the playoffs or in the Super Bowl. — Al Michaels
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. — Bill Watterson
I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't. — Olivia Munn
If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. — Leo Howard
If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? — Duane Thomas
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses. — Peter Sagal
Humorous Love Quotes
Life is short. Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly — Paulo Coelho
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Woody Allen
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. — Lewis Grizzard
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you. — Jeffree Star
It takes a moment to tell someone you love them, but it takes a lifetime to prove it. — Erich Fromm
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. — Jay Leno
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. — Hamilton Wright Mabie
Laugh Out Loud Funny Quotes
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs. — Joan Rivers
There is nudity, of course striptease is an essential component of burlesque but it's much more complex and intelligent than a display of nudity for nudity itself. And its often laugh-out-loud funny. — Karen Abbott
The confessions can touch on every human emotion. They can be laugh-out-loud funny, for sure, they can be heart-breaking, they can be sexual or hidden acts of kindness, they can be romantic. — Frank Warren
Cherry Money Baby is fabulous in every sense of the word! It’s earthy and smart and moving, laugh-out-loud funny, surprising, inventive, suspenseful, and — Oh, Hell — just gorgeously written! — Tim Wynne-Jones
I love the way Damon Lindelof writes. It's almost like he was channeling me and he had my voice, even though the territory that those lines cover is unpredictable, and goes from raw emotion to laugh out loud funny but always true. — Scott Glenn
It was a role [Dean Sanderson] I hadn't seen before, and yet it was very accessible and relatable at the same time. I read scripts that have one or the other, but I rarely read scripts that have both. And it was laugh-out-loud funny. — Rob Lowe
I tend to look at the world more from Voltaire's perspective. Incidentally, if you haven't read Candide lately, it's a fabulous book. It's riotously, laugh-out-loud funny in a way that no Shakespeare comedy will ever be. — George Meyer
Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud. And yet it is not a particularly funny name. — Eric Idle
Brilliant. . . . Marriage Confidential is both laugh-out-loud funny and gasp-out-loud shocking, and nothing less than a Feminine Mystique for our time. Mark my words, your marriage will change after reading this book. — Debby Applegate
Laughing Hysterically Quotes
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! — Steven Wright
I've known my best friend since I was a baby, and I don't know what I would do without her. She is always straight with me and can make me laugh hysterically. Everyone should have someone like that in their life. — Jasmine Guinness
Sometimes there's one person in the audience laughing hysterically, and it's so much fun. You end up playing the entire play to them. — Lorraine Bracco
There's that special magical place that exists when you forget everything else because you are laughing hysterically. It's the only truly safe place and it can happen with a stranger or a best friend. — Natasha Lyonne
I should probably be afraid. But instead a hysterical laugh bubbles inside me, because I just remembered something: Maybe I can’t hold a gun. But I have a knife in my back pocket. — Veronica Roth
Tread softly, Brathe peacefully, Laugh hysterically. — Nelson Mandela
There are really two types of laughter on the part of the spectator. There is the laughter of recognition - which means seeing things you're familiar with and laughing at yourself. But there's also hysterical laughter - a way of dealing with the things we see that upset us. — Michael Haneke
I weep when I see these videos that are sent to me from all over the country. Whole groups of bodies jerking out of control, falling on the floor, laughing hysterically, staggering around like drunkards Anything that cannot be found in Scripture has to be rejected outright - totally rejected. — David Wilkerson
Peeta looks at the glass again and puts it together. "You mean this will make me puke?" My prep team laughs hysterically. "Of course, so you can keep eating," says Octavia. "I've been in there twice already. Everyone does it, or else how would you have any fun at a feast? — Suzanne Collins
Real Funny Quotes
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" — Anthony Griffin
If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier — Gene Wilder
There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. — Jane Austen
Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games. — Ernest Hemingway
I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. — Aristotle
Better to have loved and lost than to live with regret. — Big Pun
True friends are like diamonds – bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style. — Nicole Richie
Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother. — Ian Gillan
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. — Will Rogers
In a theatre it happened that a fire started off stage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded. He told them again, and they became still more hilarious. This is the way, I suppose, that the world will be destroyed-amid the universal hilarity of wits and wags who think it is all a joke. — Soren Kierkegaard
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. — Voltaire
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you. — Mark Twain
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. — Jerry Seinfeld
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part. — Aimee Mullins
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. — Matt Groening
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. — Dave Allen
Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE. — CM Punk
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage. — Anthony Jeselnik
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off. — Jean Cocteau
There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do. — Amy Poehler
I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows. — Mariah Carey
At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious. — Richard Russo
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing. — Jo Brand
Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20. — Barack Obama
Free Agents' was an awesome experience. I never play the glam girl in anything, so that was a new experience. I would walk into one of my trailers and it would be like Spanx, a spray-tan gun, and chicken cutlets. I would have hair extensions. It was hilarious. Every day felt like I was turning into an awesome drag queen. — Kathryn Hahn
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better. — Demetri Martin
In Conclusion
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