The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

— Lewis Grizzard

The most simplistic Lewis Grizzard quotes that will add value to your life

Baptists never make love standing up.

They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.


It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.


The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.


I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.


There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.


Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.


If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi


I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.


Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.


Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"


There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.


About Lewis Grizzard

Quotes 33 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Writer
Birthday October 16

Mama had an appreciation of the language.

She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.


Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.


On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.


They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.


Spring time is the land awakening.


I grew up in a very large family in a very small house.

I never slept alone until after I was married.


Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.


Instead of getting married again. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.


Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.


When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?


I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.


If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.


Let's all start walking more and driving less.


If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.


I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.


I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.


I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.


Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.


If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.


In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.

' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.