Greg Giraldo Quotes

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids.

That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion.

Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind.

The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

I think all gay guys should get married.

I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses.

What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted.

In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever.

Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe.

The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.