Best quotes by the American Comedian George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • people

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.
  • laugh

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • america

Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot.
  • intelligence



The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  • humor

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
  • dance

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
  • funny

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
  • moon

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
  • certain

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
  • stupidity

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
  • Apathy

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  • funny

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
  • Evil

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  • humanity

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • Observation

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
  • argument

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
  • break

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • books

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
  • Present

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
  • ask

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  • Camping

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
  • Perception

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
  • Speeches

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
  • allowed

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
  • group

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.
  • nature

Think off-center.
  • think

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
  • authority

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • atheism

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
  • caused


Pictures quotes by George Carlin

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George Carlin Quotes About

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George Carlin humor quotes

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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • america

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  • humor

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  • humanity

What year did Jesus think it was?
  • christianity

Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  • animals

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
  • Humor

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
  • humor

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
  • dreams

Electricity is really just organized lighting
  • anarchy

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George Carlin time quotes

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
  • ask

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
  • allowed

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
  • caused

What year did Jesus think it was?
  • christianity

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
  • close

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George Carlin people quotes

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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • people

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
  • stupidity

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
  • ask

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
  • allowed

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
  • authority

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  • enough

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
  • disease

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
  • close

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George Carlin funny quotes

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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • america

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
  • funny

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  • funny

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
  • funny

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • funny

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George Carlin think quotes

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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
  • allowed

Think off-center.
  • think

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
  • disease

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More quotes by George Carlin

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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
  • funny

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
  • all

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
  • crime

What year did Jesus think it was?
  • christianity



Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  • animals

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
  • Body

The status quo sucks.
  • quo

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
  • travel

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  • organized

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  • enough

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
  • Housework

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
  • Thanksgiving

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
  • delivering

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
  • another

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
  • disease

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
  • flame

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
  • Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
  • War

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • become

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • funny

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
  • close

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
  • bathroom

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
  • building

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
  • candle

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
  • humor

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
  • dreams

Electricity is really just organized lighting
  • anarchy

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
  • caterpillar

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • screwing

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
  • find


Comedian similar to George Carlin


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Josh Billings 112 quotes
Groucho Marx 102 quotes
Steven Wright 96 quotes
James Thurber 84 quotes

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Best George Carlin quotes

Part 2
George Carlin pictures quotes

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George Carlin's Quotes About ...
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People
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Part 4
Quotes by authors similar to George Carlin

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