George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. He was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He was widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. Following is our collection on famous quotes by George Carlin on humanity, life, death.
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin Quotes About Humanity
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. — George Carlin
I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings. — George Carlin
There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. — George Carlin
Always do whatevers next.
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. — George Carlin
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. — George Carlin
I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species. — George Carlin
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinkng. They want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin
The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. — George Carlin
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. — George Carlin
Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves. — George Carlin
motivational quote by George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Life
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. — George Carlin
Life is a zero sum game. — George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, thats their job!
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin
Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. — George Carlin
Everyone smiles in the same language. — George Carlin
What if there were no hypothetical questions? — George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. — George Carlin
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. — George Carlin
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. — George Carlin
motivational quote by George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Death
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. — George Carlin
Life is a near-death experience. — George Carlin
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they have lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? — George Carlin
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! — George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. — George Carlin
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Religion
When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion. — George Carlin
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. — George Carlin
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. — George Carlin
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. — George Carlin
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? — George Carlin
Religion is just mind control. — George Carlin
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. — George Carlin
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. — George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! — George Carlin
Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Stuff
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff. — George Carlin
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? — George Carlin
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. — George Carlin
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. — George Carlin
That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. — George Carlin
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. — George Carlin
I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Love
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. — George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love. — George Carlin
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? — George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. — George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. — George Carlin
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. — George Carlin
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it — George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. — George Carlin
Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together. — George Carlin
I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About America
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. — George Carlin
Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone? — George Carlin
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. — George Carlin
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. — George Carlin
Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. — George Carlin
People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. — George Carlin
It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. — George Carlin
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. — George Carlin
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. — George Carlin
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Voting
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election — George Carlin
Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. — George Carlin
I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms. — George Carlin
If voting changed anything, it would be illegal. — George Carlin
If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Time
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. — George Carlin
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. — George Carlin
The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid. — George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. — George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. — George Carlin
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! — George Carlin
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. — George Carlin
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls. — George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Witty
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? — George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. — George Carlin
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. — George Carlin
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? — George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. — George Carlin
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. — George Carlin
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? — George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. — George Carlin
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Observant
Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it. — George Carlin
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. — George Carlin
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. — George Carlin
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left. — George Carlin
I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About People
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. — George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. — George Carlin
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car." — George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. — George Carlin
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. — George Carlin
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? — George Carlin
Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Humor
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. — George Carlin
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. — George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. — George Carlin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. — George Carlin
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." — George Carlin
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? — George Carlin
"No comment" is a comment. — George Carlin
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? — George Carlin
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? — George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Work
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. — George Carlin
hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work. — George Carlin
Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. — George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. — George Carlin
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin
I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were "latch-door kids." We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves. — George Carlin
Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out. — George Carlin
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven. — George Carlin
When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Funny
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. — George Carlin
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. — George Carlin
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with. — George Carlin
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body — George Carlin
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! — George Carlin
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? — George Carlin
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? — George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes About Person
Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot. — George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. — George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. — George Carlin
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. — George Carlin
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. — George Carlin
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. — George Carlin
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking — George Carlin
Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. — George Carlin
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. — George Carlin
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. — George Carlin
George Carlin Famous Quotes And Sayings
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. — George Carlin
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. — George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. — George Carlin
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember. — George Carlin
What if there were no hypothetical questions? — George Carlin
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. — George Carlin
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. — George Carlin
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin
What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. — George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. — George Carlin
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. — George Carlin
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. — George Carlin
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. — George Carlin
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. — George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. — George Carlin
[On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. — George Carlin
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! — George Carlin
Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. — George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. — George Carlin
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. — George Carlin
It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. — George Carlin
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. — George Carlin
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone. — George Carlin
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded. — George Carlin
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. — George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. — George Carlin
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' — George Carlin
Life Lessons by George Carlin
George Carlin taught us to think critically and question authority, encouraging us to take a stand against injustice and hypocrisy.
He also showed us the importance of speaking up for our beliefs and being true to ourselves, no matter what other people may think.
Finally, Carlin's comedy reminded us to never take life too seriously and to always find joy in the little things.
Citation
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