Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

— George Carlin

The most helpful George Carlin quotes that are proven to give you inner joy

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.


No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.

George Carlin quote There are nights when the wolves are sil

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another


That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.


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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

George Carlin quote Always do whatevers next.

Always do whatevers next.


Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.


The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

George Carlin quote Governments don't want a population capa

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinkng. They want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.


If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?


The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin quote Inside every cynical person, there is a

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


About George Carlin

Quotes 932 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot.

George Carlin quote What do dogs do on their day off? They c

What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, thats their job!


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin quote Don't just teach your children to read.

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit.


Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.


I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.


What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?


Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.


Life is a zero sum game.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.


Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.


Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.


If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.


Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body


Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.


Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.

It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.


I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland.

They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.


I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."


Standing ovations have become far too commonplace.

What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.


There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.


The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.

And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.


Everyone smiles in the same language.