Lenny Bruce Quotes

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me.

Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man.

You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Trying to figure things out was my gig.

Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish.

If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

In the Halls of Justice, the only justice is in the halls.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

Life is a four-letter word.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

Marijuana is rejected all over the world. Damned. In England heroin is alright for out-patents, but marijuana? They'll put your ass in jail. I wonder why that is? The only reason could be: To Serve the Devil - Pleasure! Pleasure, which is a dirty word in Christian culture.

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted; but if your mother goes, Ptshew!

Communism is like one big phone company.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.