110+ Louis C. K. Quotes On Satirical, Relatable And Insightful

Top 10 Louis C. K. Quotes (BEST)

  1. When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.
  2. The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.
  3. Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
  4. My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!
  5. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.
  6. There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
  7. One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
  8. What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
  9. The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
  10. The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

Louis C. K. Short Quotes

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  • Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
  • I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.
  • I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
  • Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
  • Misery is wasted on the miserable.
  • Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
  • You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.
  • Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
  • All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.
  • There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !

Louis C. K. Quotes On Life

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I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored. — Louis C. K.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. — Louis C. K.

I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard. — Louis C. K.

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face. — Louis C. K.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. — Louis C. K.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. — Louis C. K.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about. — Louis C. K.

You know what, it's not your life, it's life. Life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life isn't something that you possess, it's something that you take part in and witness. — Louis C. K.

Life is full of horrible mistakes. — Louis C. K.

I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K.

Louis C. K. Famous Quotes And Sayings

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You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time. — Louis C. K.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid." — Louis C. K.

It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. — Louis C. K.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in. — Louis C. K.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars. — Louis C. K.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat. — Louis C. K.

Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy. — Louis C. K.

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. — Louis C. K.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people. — Louis C. K.

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. — Louis C. K.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?" — Louis C. K.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times. — Louis C. K.

My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is. — Louis C. K.

If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. — Louis C. K.

How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease. — Louis C. K.

Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism. — Louis C. K.

I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman, and I have three sisters, so my community was girls. I have two girls, and my dog is a girl. My dead dog was a girl. I don't know. I guess I've always keyed in on that perspective. — Louis C. K.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin." — Louis C. K.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money. — Louis C. K.

I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble. — Louis C. K.

I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure. — Louis C. K.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv. — Louis C. K.

You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They just keep coming with more questions - why, why, why? - until you don't even know who the fk you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction. — Louis C. K.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please! — Louis C. K.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game? — Louis C. K.

You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.' — Louis C. K.

I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks. — Louis C. K.

Apple embodies a lot of what have been defined as feminine traits: an emphasis on intuitive design, intellect, a strong sense of creativity, and that striving to always make the greatest version of something. — Louis C. K.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet. — Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there." — Louis C. K.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger. — Louis C. K.

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on! — Louis C. K.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it. — Louis C. K.

I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set. — Louis C. K.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame. — Louis C. K.

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness. — Louis C. K.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even. — Louis C. K.

The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself. — Louis C. K.

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'. — Louis C. K.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you. — Louis C. K.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority. — Louis C. K.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win. — Louis C. K.

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. — Louis C. K.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C. K.

If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation. — Louis C. K.

here's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It's a huge amount of work. — Louis C. K.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time. — Louis C. K.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day. — Louis C. K.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. — Louis C. K.

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it. — Louis C. K.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. — Louis C. K.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. — Louis C. K.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny. — Louis C. K.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. — Louis C. K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!" — Louis C. K.

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about. — Louis C. K.

[about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way. — Louis C. K.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. — Louis C. K.

You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun. — Louis C. K.

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father. — Louis C. K.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way. — Louis C. K.

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am. — Louis C. K.

Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays. — Louis C. K.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it. — Louis C. K.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. — Louis C. K.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing. — Louis C. K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online. — Louis C. K.

Well, I think “likability” is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different... Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows. — Louis C. K.

Everything that people say is testable. — Louis C. K.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with." — Louis C. K.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease. — Louis C. K.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me. — Louis C. K.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars. — Louis C. K.

To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw. — Louis C. K.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true. — Louis C. K.

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from. — Louis C. K.

You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you. — Louis C. K.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean. — Louis C. K.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better. — Louis C. K.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business. — Louis C. K.

The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them. — Louis C. K.

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem. — Louis C. K.

There’s a need to perfect things in a writers’ room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It’s a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something. — Louis C. K.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show. — Louis C. K.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out. — Louis C. K.

Life Lessons by Louis C. K.

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  1. Louis C.K. teaches us that it's important to be honest and open about our flaws and mistakes, as this can be a source of humor and self-improvement.
  2. He also shows us that it's okay to laugh at ourselves and that it's important to be able to laugh at life's absurdities.
  3. Finally, Louis C.K. emphasizes the importance of being able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, so that we can gain perspective on our own lives and the world around us.

In Conclusion

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