You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

— Zach Galifianakis

The most sensitive Zach Galifianakis quotes that will transform you to a better person

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

56

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

50

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

41

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

29

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

28

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

28

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

24

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life.

And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

23

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it.

And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

18

My forte is awkwardness.

17

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

16

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

16

About Zach Galifianakis

Quotes 119 sayings
Profession Stand-up comedian
Birthday October 1, 1969

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

15

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

14

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

10

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

10

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

10

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

8

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

8

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

8

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

8

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

7

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people.

..who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

6

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

6

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

6

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

5

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

5

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

5

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

5

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

3

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

3

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

3

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy.

No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

2

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar.

I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

2

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

1

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

1

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

1

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

1

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me.

I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

0

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office.

I'd have to go back to school or something.

0

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

0

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

0

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

0

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement.

It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

0

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

0

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

0

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist.

I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

0

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

0

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

0
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