110+ Mike Birbiglia Quotes On Marriage, Time And Tour

Mike Birbiglia is an American comedian, storyteller, actor, and director. He is known for his comedic storytelling, which often involves embarrassing and self-deprecating stories. He has released several comedy albums and starred in the films Sleepwalk with Me and Don't Think Twice. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Mike Birbiglia on love, life, marriage.

Top 10 Mike Birbiglia Quotes

1. Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.
2. What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
3. The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
4. Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream
5. I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
6. Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
7. You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
8. I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
9. I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
10. I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Mike Birbiglia Short Quotes

• I just don't give off a great first impression.
• Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.
• Success is fleeting. It may not have to do with you but how your work is received.
• You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.
• I feel like people have more in common than the news reports.
• Comedy unites, it doesn't divide!
• I think Mitch Hedberg is one of the great comedians of the past 20 years.
• Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.
• The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.
• All techniques of comedy are valid and interesting to me.

Mike Birbiglia Quotes About Love

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" — Mike Birbiglia

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! — Mike Birbiglia

I actually love 'Saturday Night Live,' like a sports fan watches their favorite team to see how they're doing. I know the players and the writers, I've known several people on that show for a number of years. — Mike Birbiglia

I take the subway four times a day, or close to it. I just love the subway! My grandfather worked as an electrician when they were digging the subway. — Mike Birbiglia

The key is to do what you love. — Mike Birbiglia

You can express love by calling out the truth out of the situation as opposed to dancing around it. — Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia Quotes About Life

I wrote on my desk wall when I was writing the film...'Art is socialism, but life is capitalism.' That's the hard thing in all of it if you expect to make a living. — Mike Birbiglia

In our culture right now, I want to take on this notion of what a singular success means. We think success is one thing, but it's actually a spectrum of where our life takes us. — Mike Birbiglia

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before. — Mike Birbiglia

Life is unfair and improv is a great metaphor of that. — Mike Birbiglia

Art is socialism but life is capitalism. — Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia Quotes About Time

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one. — Mike Birbiglia

You've got to remember that improvisers are writers and actors and directors all simultaneously. That's what's happening in real time because you're writing on your feet, and you are acting out the words and you are directing what the staging is. You're deciding what staging is. — Mike Birbiglia

I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind of a soft-spoken, understated sense of humor, I think that's how I became what I am, which is sort of an understated storyteller. — Mike Birbiglia

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000. — Mike Birbiglia

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. — Mike Birbiglia

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health. — Mike Birbiglia

Elia Kazan. He wrote my favorite book about filmmaking, 'Elia Kazan: On Directing.' There is a thing in the book that I do every time, it's part of my production structure. He said when you're hiring an actor, ask them what draws them to the project, and don't lead them to the answer. — Mike Birbiglia

Our fear leads us to say no all the time. — Mike Birbiglia

I feel like we can prove in real time the old trope that comedy is tragedy plus time. — Mike Birbiglia

My problem with being in New York City is that you really can't make a living as a comedian. You can, but you have to also take writing jobs, which means less stage time. — Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia Quotes About Humorous

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' — Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" — Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk." — Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky. — Mike Birbiglia

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous. — Mike Birbiglia

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?' — Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia Famous Quotes And Sayings

Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do. — Mike Birbiglia

I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I think the reason why I'm so alluring to networks is because on the surface I'm like a quintessential relatable, boring white guy. A great many sitcoms have been anchored by a boring white guy, so I feel like what they want to mine from me are my more generic qualities. — Mike Birbiglia

I was a screenwriting major in college, and really wanted to do that after I graduated, but there are no job listings for that, as we all know. I had many classmates that made it in the business, but stand-up comedy was my way in, and my first film 'Sleepwalk with Me' was based on those autobiographical experiences. — Mike Birbiglia

I think our culture views success as visibility, being seen as being successful. Whereas I've learned that success is rooted in helping and connecting to other people, and knowing where you can contribute. I've kind of spent my thirties doing that, because in my twenties I was seeking any kind of success. — Mike Birbiglia

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt. — Mike Birbiglia

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife. — Mike Birbiglia

What I write is emotionally honest and truthful as the human experience can be, to make people feel less alone, or at least that's the hope. — Mike Birbiglia

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it. — Mike Birbiglia

I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear. — Mike Birbiglia

I thought if I could do stand-up comedy well enough, I could parlay it back into films - like Charlie Chaplin and Woody Allen did. They merged principles of comedy and drama together, and that's what my first film really was, a stab at that kind of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving. — Mike Birbiglia

In my twenties, I thought it was getting a sitcom. Then I got a sitcom pilot in my early thirties, and realized I didn't want it. It was a rude awakening. When it wasn't picked up, I was crushed, but then in retrospect I've made two films and produced three one-man shows since then. It's the luckiest thing that happened in my life. — Mike Birbiglia

I struggled with that notion early in my career. 'I know this is funny but nobody is laughing.' This thought occurred for years. — Mike Birbiglia

I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated. — Mike Birbiglia

Essentially, retweets are like laughs. — Mike Birbiglia

I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching. — Mike Birbiglia

Gillian [Jacobs] is brilliant, and it was Lena Dunham that recommended her. I didn't see her in the part, but Lena told me that Gillian can do anything. It turned out to be true. — Mike Birbiglia

My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting, and then rewrite, rewrite and rewrite. — Mike Birbiglia

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees. — Mike Birbiglia

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..." — Mike Birbiglia

To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fraction of the amount of people trying. — Mike Birbiglia

I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few years." I dunno, it almost feels hackneyed at this point. To start a premise by saying, "I did this awkward thing." But then again, awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. — Mike Birbiglia

I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free. — Mike Birbiglia

I like 'Donnie Darko;' it's a cool take on dreams and sleep. — Mike Birbiglia

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat." — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when my fans come up to me, they think it's going to be entertaining, like I'm going to tell jokes or do bits, and then instead of that I end up talking about really mundane things with my fans, and then they're kind of like, "This is boring. I want to go talk to somebody else." I think I bore my fans to death by over-talking to them. — Mike Birbiglia

Where art and business intersect is a challenging hurdle for a lot of people, reconciling the fact that not everyone is going to make it in the same way. Yeah, you have to be a little selfish, probably. — Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" — Mike Birbiglia

There are so many people who are clever. There are 8000 people at Princeton who are more clever than the three of us at this table. BUT, we have the ability to give something that they don't have...which is us. — Mike Birbiglia

I have this habit of asking 'why do you want to do it?' and then interrupting them to say, 'here's why you want to do it.' Because it's in the 'yes...and' spirit [rule of improvisation]. — Mike Birbiglia

Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance. — Mike Birbiglia

When I made 'Sleepwalk with Me,' many people asked me if was a novelty thing, a one-off. But this is the goal, I'm just hitting it 12 years after I thought I would. — Mike Birbiglia

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short. — Mike Birbiglia

When I'm taking the subway to my improv shows I will be writing in my notebook different actions that I see people doing on the train whether it's eating yogurt or looking at where their stop is, or tripping or holding a baby. It's not preparing scenes and ideas as much as it is stoking your brain to think observantly. Just to place observations in your head, so that they are available somewhere. — Mike Birbiglia

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. — Mike Birbiglia

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' — Mike Birbiglia

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents. — Mike Birbiglia

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?" — Mike Birbiglia

I figured out in my thirties it was about 'what can I contribute'? And what I figured out about that is creating something from scratch, and connecting it to people. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman." — Mike Birbiglia

My writing process is very feedback based - I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting... and then rewrite, and rewrite, and rewrite. Chris Gethard and I have been on the road a lot together. When we get on the bus at night, we talk about the jokes that didn't work and the joke possibilities that could work. I think this is a little different from other writers. — Mike Birbiglia

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia

I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself. — Mike Birbiglia

I think sometimes you don't understand how to convey an idea, depending on the moment you're living in. — Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other. — Mike Birbiglia

Failure's hard. There's no way around. Bombing on stage never feels great. You feel judged, you feel alone. But then when your performance works, it's transcendent. — Mike Birbiglia

I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film. — Mike Birbiglia

I think the cleverness is inadvertent. — Mike Birbiglia

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is. — Mike Birbiglia

Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage. — Mike Birbiglia

You're always on duty because you're in a constant state of observation. That's one of the challenges of being a comedian. I think one of the other challenges is that, whether we like it or not, it's a profession that requires failure. It doesn't just encourage failure. It requires it because it's all trial and error. You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. — Mike Birbiglia

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams. — Mike Birbiglia

People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!" — Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was in college my improvisation troupe and I did a road trip to Chicago, and went to The Second City to see the classic 'Paradigm Lost' revue - with Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Scott Adsit and Kevin Dorff. It blew my mind, and proved to me you can do sketch comedy like you're doing 'Long Day's Journey into Night.' We could treat it like theater. — Mike Birbiglia

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a compulsive everything. — Mike Birbiglia

Life Lessons by Mike Birbiglia

1. Mike Birbiglia teaches us that it's ok to be vulnerable and honest about our struggles, as it can help us to connect with others and find common ground.
2. He also encourages us to take risks and not be afraid to fail, as it can lead to growth and positive change.
3. Finally, Birbiglia reminds us to be grateful for the small moments and to find joy in life's everyday moments.