Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.— Mike Birbiglia
The most promising Mike Birbiglia quotes that will inspire your inner self
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder.
And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school.
If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying.
How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."
You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy.
People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do.
You've got to remember that improvisers are writers and actors and directors all simultaneously. That's what's happening in real time because you're writing on your feet, and you are acting out the words and you are directing what the staging is. You're deciding what staging is.
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
I just don't give off a great first impression.
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!
I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star.
Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy.
I think the reason why I'm so alluring to networks is because on the surface I'm like a quintessential relatable, boring white guy. A great many sitcoms have been anchored by a boring white guy, so I feel like what they want to mine from me are my more generic qualities.
Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar.
When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
I wrote on my desk wall when I was writing the film.
..'Art is socialism, but life is capitalism.' That's the hard thing in all of it if you expect to make a living.
I think our culture views success as visibility, being seen as being successful.
Whereas I've learned that success is rooted in helping and connecting to other people, and knowing where you can contribute. I've kind of spent my thirties doing that, because in my twenties I was seeking any kind of success.
I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind of a soft-spoken, understated sense of humor, I think that's how I became what I am, which is sort of an understated storyteller.
I was a screenwriting major in college, and really wanted to do that after I graduated, but there are no job listings for that, as we all know. I had many classmates that made it in the business, but stand-up comedy was my way in, and my first film 'Sleepwalk with Me' was based on those autobiographical experiences.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral.
Which I thought was cocky.
Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.
Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.
My problem with being in New York City is that you really can't make a living as a comedian. You can, but you have to also take writing jobs, which means less stage time.
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong.
Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
I think the cleverness is inadvertent.
Art is socialism but life is capitalism.
I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
When I was in college my improvisation troupe and I did a road trip to Chicago, and went to The Second City to see the classic 'Paradigm Lost' revue - with Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Scott Adsit and Kevin Dorff. It blew my mind, and proved to me you can do sketch comedy like you're doing 'Long Day's Journey into Night.' We could treat it like theater.
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
Comedy unites, it doesn't divide!
What I write is emotionally honest and truthful as the human experience can be, to make people feel less alone, or at least that's the hope.
It was a hard name having growing up as a child.
Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick.
Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"
I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.
You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.
There is no such thing as #1 in art.
The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.
People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news.
I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain.