110+ Bill Burr Quotes On Funny, Outspoken And Insightful

Bill Burr is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and podcaster. He is best known for his stand-up comedy specials, as well as his recurring role on the television show Breaking Bad. He is also known for his Monday Morning Podcast, which he has been hosting since 2007. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Bill Burr on life, funny, outspoken.

Top 10 Bill Burr Quotes

1. Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.
2. Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.
3. Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
4. A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.
5. The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
6. There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.
7. I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
8. I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
9. Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
10. Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Bill Burr Short Quotes

• Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
• I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
• I enjoy collaborating with other people.
• Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
• I am so pro-swine flu it's - it's like ridiculous.
• It's a whole new world as far as getting a show on the air. There's good things and bad things.
• My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.
• I loved the [English] countryside. I went to John Bonham's grave.
• I've had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
• I don't think people know what hygienist means.

Bill Burr Quotes About Life

So many people there are in politics that they're overly cautious about laughing at stuff. They're so damned concerned about what everyone else is thinking. What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience. — Bill Burr

I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories. — Bill Burr

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you. — Bill Burr

I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet. — Bill Burr

Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn't work out. But maybe because it didn't work out, that's why I ended up on 'Breaking Bad;' I don't know. — Bill Burr

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. — Bill Burr

Bill Burr Quotes About Funny

I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time. — Bill Burr

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. . — Bill Burr

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy. — Bill Burr

For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny. — Bill Burr

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear. — Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. — Bill Burr

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in. — Bill Burr

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into. — Bill Burr

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. — Bill Burr

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10. — Bill Burr

Bill Burr Famous Quotes And Sayings

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour. — Bill Burr

We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it. — Bill Burr

I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? — Bill Burr

It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life. — Bill Burr

If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you're from and some of the thought processes. Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before, because I was born there and just dropped right into it. — Bill Burr

I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle. — Bill Burr

Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I'm going to lean on the mike stand.' No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to top what you already did. Because they'll find someone else. — Bill Burr

I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people. — Bill Burr

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right? — Bill Burr

It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, 'What do you think you're doing!' The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could. — Bill Burr

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him. — Bill Burr

Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures. — Bill Burr

If you're on social media as a performer you can tell. If you don't get any Tweets you know it's bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it's doing by comparing the reception to shows I've done that have actual ratings. — Bill Burr

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know? — Bill Burr

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming. — Bill Burr

Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though. — Bill Burr

I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland - some of the funniest heckles I've ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through. — Bill Burr

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that. — Bill Burr

When you say, "there's no reason [to hit a woman]" that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, "there's no reason," you cut out the build-up and you're just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out? — Bill Burr

I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes "no you didn't feature, you co-hosted". He literally invented a term so he didn't have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced! — Bill Burr

I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me. — Bill Burr

Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live. — Bill Burr

Against these two [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] I would [vote], but I never voted for [Barack Obama]. I always voted third party - the ones who say their gonna jail the bankers. — Bill Burr

When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It's always been high quality stuff coming out of there. — Bill Burr

My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy. — Bill Burr

Turn inward and say to yourself "I'm just gonna do it". That mindset got me to where I am now. I look at the industry like it's a giant mall, and I have a little store - this what I'm selling: I do stand-up, I've got a podcast, and occasionally I act. — Bill Burr

I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak. — Bill Burr

It's a blue-collar city [Manchester] that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out. — Bill Burr

I do enjoy them. I get to meet the next generation of comics and help them out. Big comics doing small shows was something that used to happen a lot more back in the day. I wish there was more of that. — Bill Burr

Actually they [ Netflix] were telling us to push it further and I've never gotten a nod like that from anybody in the industry, so it's been awesome to work with them. I'm very happy where we're at. — Bill Burr

There's a big thing right now with people using stand-up as a scapegoat. People think comedians have the power to change someone in an hour. If we had that ability, the art would not be legal. It would too dangerous. — Bill Burr

I couldn't trash [Adolf] Hitler enough. Poor bastards, they make all these contributions to the automotive industry, aeronautics, space - but you pick one wrong guy and it's all out the window. They're never gonna live that one down. — Bill Burr

Animated program was definitely a different process but it was fun though, it had elements of doing my podcast where we were all in a booth with microphones joking around and stuff. It was definitely a fun process. — Bill Burr

My career has been a slow burn, so waiting to do the Edinburgh Festival was a smart move. If I'd spent a month there 10-15 years ago, there's no way anyone was gonna remember me. — Bill Burr

I wasn't the good looking guy, I wasn't the hot chick, I wasn't the fat guy, I didn't have a catchphrase, I didn't wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian. — Bill Burr

I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good. — Bill Burr

Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups. — Bill Burr

I have fun doing movies, I’ve had fun doing the animated show, and I certainly have fun doing standup. Even that, even though it’s just me talking, it’s also interaction with the crowd. — Bill Burr

London was like that too. It was that time of year when all the rich kids with the oil money have their cars shipped over. Some of the most beautiful cars I've ever seen - with the worst paint jobs! It was just this hilarious, disgusting display of wealth. The shamelessness of it. To be that shameless about your money when you're a guest in a country was astounding to me. But I saw the humor in it. — Bill Burr

Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes. — Bill Burr

Podcasting is great. Total freedom. — Bill Burr

I'm a standup comedian who gets to act. I'm never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I'm doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup. — Bill Burr

I have to make small adjustments, but I can't change too much. If I'm worrying about that stuff too much then the show isn't as funny. — Bill Burr

The whole city [Manchester] just a real rock music vibe. It reminded me a lot of where I'm from. — Bill Burr

And Donald Trump? That man literally has people shouting the n word at his rallies and he doesn't address it, which is astounding to me. He's a terrible person. — Bill Burr

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers — Bill Burr

I don't mind either one [crowd that is more willing to interact or crowd that's more ready to just watch]. Both of them are forms of listening to what I'm saying so I can't ask for any more than that. — Bill Burr

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. — Bill Burr

I don't mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I've been pretty busy lately. But I've had it the other way, where I'm staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better. — Bill Burr

I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in. — Bill Burr

If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don't have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break. I'm trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes. — Bill Burr

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet. — Bill Burr

There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet. — Bill Burr

I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don't know where it's going. — Bill Burr

I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself. — Bill Burr

Being a stand-up comic, this isn't a stepping-stone for me; it's what I do, and this is what I'm always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows. — Bill Burr

Michael Price is the showrunner so nobody works harder than him. — Bill Burr

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich? — Bill Burr

I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and paid for like the Clintons. — Bill Burr

It's better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don't get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live. — Bill Burr

There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head. — Bill Burr

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money? — Bill Burr

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw. — Bill Burr

Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans - if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf] Hitler, we'd never live it down. — Bill Burr

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe. — Bill Burr

When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots. — Bill Burr

[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys. — Bill Burr

Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions. — Bill Burr

I'm an idiot, basically. I don't think that I'm a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I'm like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him. — Bill Burr

I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career. — Bill Burr

I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it. — Bill Burr

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober. — Bill Burr

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth. — Bill Burr

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog. — Bill Burr

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today. — Bill Burr

My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half. — Bill Burr

I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. — Bill Burr

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody. — Bill Burr

If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that's good for me; I'm good. — Bill Burr

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling? — Bill Burr

There are no winners in this election [2016]. I paid attention to it for about two months and then it just started to depress me. At least Hillary's [Clinton] a politician, but the fact that you've got a guy from a reality TV show! I have to say, out of everything I've ever watched in sports - the greatest comebacks ever - watching [Donald Trump] get the nomination for the Republican Party is the most astounding thing I've ever seen. — Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!" — Bill Burr

Life Lessons by Bill Burr

1. Bill Burr teaches us to never be afraid to take risks and push boundaries in order to make something unique and entertaining.
2. He also emphasizes the importance of staying true to yourself and your beliefs, even if it means facing criticism from others.
3. Lastly, he reminds us to never take ourselves too seriously and to always find humor in life’s most challenging moments.