You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.— Bill Burr
The most jaw-dropping Bill Burr quotes that may be undiscovered and unusual
We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it.
Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.
Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control.
You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life.
If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you're from and some of the thought processes. Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before, because I was born there and just dropped right into it.
A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.
There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people.
We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant.
How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in.
I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.
I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.
Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I'm going to lean on the mike stand.' No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to top what you already did. Because they'll find someone else.
It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, 'What do you think you're doing!' The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is.
It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures.
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names.
.. 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?
If you're on social media as a performer you can tell.
If you don't get any Tweets you know it's bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it's doing by comparing the reception to shows I've done that have actual ratings.
Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though.
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
So many people there are in politics that they're overly cautious about laughing at stuff. They're so damned concerned about what everyone else is thinking. What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.
I can tell you why I like different countries.
Ireland - some of the funniest heckles I've ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.
I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.
Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.
I was a feature one time and they gave me host money.
When I called to complain the guy goes "no you didn't feature, you co-hosted". He literally invented a term so he didn't have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!
When you say, "there's no reason [to hit a woman]" that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, "there's no reason," you cut out the build-up and you're just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out?
I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.
I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me.
People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you're a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is "looking for". Just say what you think is funny. .
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there.
It's always been high quality stuff coming out of there.
My parents have a ridiculous work ethic;
my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy.
Against these two [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] I would [vote], but I never voted for [Barack Obama]. I always voted third party - the ones who say their gonna jail the bankers.
It's a blue-collar city [Manchester] that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out.
Turn inward and say to yourself "I'm just gonna do it".
That mindset got me to where I am now. I look at the industry like it's a giant mall, and I have a little store - this what I'm selling: I do stand-up, I've got a podcast, and occasionally I act.
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
I couldn't trash [Adolf] Hitler enough.
Poor bastards, they make all these contributions to the automotive industry, aeronautics, space - but you pick one wrong guy and it's all out the window. They're never gonna live that one down.
There's a big thing right now with people using stand-up as a scapegoat.
People think comedians have the power to change someone in an hour. If we had that ability, the art would not be legal. It would too dangerous.
Animated program was definitely a different process but it was fun though, it had elements of doing my podcast where we were all in a booth with microphones joking around and stuff. It was definitely a fun process.
Actually they [ Netflix] were telling us to push it further and I've never gotten a nod like that from anybody in the industry, so it's been awesome to work with them. I'm very happy where we're at.