Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

— Brian Regan

The most gorgeous Brian Regan quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.


They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius.

Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.


I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.


A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time.

A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.


The big yellow one is the sun!


I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape.

I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.


If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?


You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.


Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?


I drove myself to the Emergency Room.

That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."


The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you did not get a laugh, then you've kinda saved the moment. Other professions don't have that luxury. You don't want to hear a brain surgeon say, "Man, am I so stupid! I cut on the wrong side of your head!!"


Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is.


About Brian Regan

Quotes 90 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday June 2, 1957

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.


Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning.

The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.


I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything.

I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.


Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!


Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background.


I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act.

Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane the subject matter, the more interesting it is to me.


Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.


I went to the juice isle, I learned something.

Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!


Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think it's different. It's different. There's rock music, there's jazz music, there's reggae music: All of those forms are different.


How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."


I try to be careful and put things in perspective.

There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isn't ready now and then? It's not a big deal.


You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?


I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.


You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage usually, but offstage sometimes I might.


Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge.

But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Let's use the spoon. I like to consider myself the big bowl-like area of the spoon that holds all the stuff you like.


I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend something new with a strong bit before and a strong bit afterwards. But it's fun to run on virgin snow. I like that feeling onstage of creating new footprints and not knowing what's going to happen.


I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.


So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels.

I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I'm reading the label to make sure everything's fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.


I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”.

What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? “Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan”.


I like to go on stage with a variety, with some stuff that's been around for a handful of years, some stuff from the last year, some stuff is from last week, and some stuff is brand spanking new. Those are the moments that excite me - when I'm coming up to a brand new bit. The more virgin the snow, the more fun it is to run on.


Politicians have a lot to deal with these days.

It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.


Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'


The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn.

Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."


It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.


I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?


I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution. Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!


Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can see all of the disinterested people. You see the audience, but then behind the audience you see people eating ice cream, going for a walk.


As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it.

But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.


I don't take jokes from other people.

It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.


I'm capable offstage of having some dark, twisted thoughts but the kind of things I like to do onstage are just more conceptual and I don't even think of them as being clean. I don't sit down and think, "Man, I'm going to come up with some lily-white comedy!" They're just things that I like to talk about, and then at the end of the day you think, "Well, I guess that was clean" but it's not the focus.


I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse.

I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want audiences to like it, but I also want comedians to like it. I'm selfish. I want everybody to laugh!


I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it.

But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.


You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.


If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."


Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!


If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.


Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.