110+ Jim Gaffigan Quotes On Parenting, Humorous And Relatable

Top 10 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (BEST)

  1. The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
  2. Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
  3. The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
  4. One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
  5. The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
  6. I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.
  7. There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
  8. Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
  9. Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
  10. Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Jim Gaffigan Short Quotes

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  • Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
  • When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
  • Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
  • I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
  • I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
  • I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
  • I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
  • Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
  • I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
  • It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

Jim Gaffigan Quotes On Parenting

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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. — Jim Gaffigan

I come from a very big family. Nine parents. — Jim Gaffigan

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. — Jim Gaffigan

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. — Jim Gaffigan

The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away. — Jim Gaffigan

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right? — Jim Gaffigan

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter. — Jim Gaffigan

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing. — Jim Gaffigan

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. — Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quotes On Humorous

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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." — Jim Gaffigan

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.' — Jim Gaffigan

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben." — Jim Gaffigan

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!' — Jim Gaffigan

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something." — Jim Gaffigan

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water. — Jim Gaffigan

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.' — Jim Gaffigan

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’ — Jim Gaffigan

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." — Jim Gaffigan

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen. — Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Famous Quotes And Sayings

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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?' — Jim Gaffigan

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired." — Jim Gaffigan

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really. — Jim Gaffigan

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot " — Jim Gaffigan

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato. — Jim Gaffigan

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?' — Jim Gaffigan

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?' — Jim Gaffigan

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters. — Jim Gaffigan

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. — Jim Gaffigan

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German? — Jim Gaffigan

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived. — Jim Gaffigan

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan

Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia. — Jim Gaffigan

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No." — Jim Gaffigan

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it? — Jim Gaffigan

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors. — Jim Gaffigan

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill." — Jim Gaffigan

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life. — Jim Gaffigan

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again. — Jim Gaffigan

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water." — Jim Gaffigan

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? — Jim Gaffigan

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does. — Jim Gaffigan

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine. — Jim Gaffigan

When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy. — Jim Gaffigan

There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong. — Jim Gaffigan

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically. — Jim Gaffigan

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers. — Jim Gaffigan

I like to think of bread as really bland cake. — Jim Gaffigan

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes. — Jim Gaffigan

In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic! — Jim Gaffigan

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't want people to think I believe in God. — Jim Gaffigan

I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting - a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up. — Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. — Jim Gaffigan

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass." — Jim Gaffigan

I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy. — Jim Gaffigan

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it. — Jim Gaffigan

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent." — Jim Gaffigan

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it." — Jim Gaffigan

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right? — Jim Gaffigan

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!' — Jim Gaffigan

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. — Jim Gaffigan

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside. — Jim Gaffigan

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week. — Jim Gaffigan

Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes. — Jim Gaffigan

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides. — Jim Gaffigan

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch. — Jim Gaffigan

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy." — Jim Gaffigan

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback." — Jim Gaffigan

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape. — Jim Gaffigan

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. — Jim Gaffigan

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. — Jim Gaffigan

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!" — Jim Gaffigan

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating. — Jim Gaffigan

I feel like, even in this crazy world of Trump getting elected and these things that really kind of caught me off-guard, I feel like I understand less than I did. — Jim Gaffigan

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?" — Jim Gaffigan

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. — Jim Gaffigan

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.' — Jim Gaffigan

I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried that experiment, and he just cursed all the time. And I was like, "All right, now I care that you curse." You try to have this idealized view, and it's like, "I don't care." But it's just going to cause chaos. — Jim Gaffigan

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. — Jim Gaffigan

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny. — Jim Gaffigan

I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female. — Jim Gaffigan

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese? — Jim Gaffigan

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female? — Jim Gaffigan

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?" — Jim Gaffigan

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't understand the fashion industry and the appeal of it. I understand that there are some people who think it's important to them, and they're designers, they're artists, but there seems to be a disproportionate amount of our culture that's caught up in that and the red carpet stuff. It seems like there's a disproportionate amount of attention placed on that. — Jim Gaffigan

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? — Jim Gaffigan

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail" — Jim Gaffigan

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. — Jim Gaffigan

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi." — Jim Gaffigan

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful. — Jim Gaffigan

Life Lessons by Jim Gaffigan

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  1. Jim Gaffigan's comedy is a reminder to find humor in everyday life, no matter how mundane it may seem.
  2. His self-deprecating style of comedy encourages us to laugh at ourselves and not take life too seriously.
  3. His work also teaches us to appreciate the little things in life and to be grateful for what we have.

In Conclusion

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