The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.— Jim Gaffigan
The most unconventional Jim Gaffigan quotes that will add value to your life
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."
Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer.
'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump.
It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'
Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
It's amazing how email has changed our lives.
You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious.
It's like from like the era of court jesters.
Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them;
they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success.
Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.
Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed.
Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.