Quotes by American Comedian Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg


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