Best quotes by the American Comedian Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  • funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
  • funny

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
  • addict

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
  • dreams



I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
  • bought

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
  • dating

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
  • used

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
  • code

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
  • funny

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
  • birthday

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
  • brain

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
  • belt

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
  • amazing

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
  • all

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • foot

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
  • disillusion

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
  • dogs

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
  • book

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
  • car

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
  • addicted

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
  • cube

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
  • funny

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
  • against

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
  • fingers

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
  • cool

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
  • catch

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • days

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
  • adding

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
  • explain

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
  • dog

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
  • last

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • depressing

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  • food

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
  • especially

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
  • four

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
  • again

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
  • bunch

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
  • normal

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
  • human

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  • combination

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
  • bars

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
  • cart

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • become

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
  • deli

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
  • remember

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
  • draw

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
  • actress

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
  • eat

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
  • eat


Pictures quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Go to table of contents

Comedian similar to Mitch Hedberg


Go to table of contents

Josh Billings 112 quotes
Groucho Marx 102 quotes
Steven Wright 96 quotes
James Thurber 84 quotes

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

Part 2
Mitch Hedberg pictures quotes

Part 3
Mitch Hedberg's Quotes About ...
People
Funny
Wanted
Last
Eat
All Mitch Hedberg quotes

Part 4
Quotes by authors similar to Mitch Hedberg

Quote
Loading ...