Introduction

What are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes? Read the most famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Top 10 Mitch Hedberg images and Top 10 Mitch Hedberg quotes. Mitch Hedberg quotations on people, funny, way, think, last are those that make this comedian famous.

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Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

Mitch Hedberg is famous American comedian with many wise quotes. Share the best Mitch Hedberg quotations of all times with your friends and family.


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

  • funny

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.




I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!


All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

  • funny

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.


Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

  • all

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

  • funny

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


Dogs are forever in the push up position.


I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

  • car

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?


People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

  • dog

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.




Mitch Hedberg quotes images

What are the best Mitch Hedberg images quotes? Read and bookmark finest quotes from Mitch Hedberg, embed as messages on beautiful images. Those images have people quotes, funny quotes, way quotes, think quotes, last quotes.

That were top sayings and Mitch Hedberg picture quotes. Access more quotations by Mitch Hedberg with images on Pinterest.

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About Mitch Hedberg

Where is Mitch Hedberg from? Mitch Hedberg is American who said awesome wise words. A influential and well recognized comedian all over the world. The following quotations and images represent the American nature embed in Mitch Hedberg's character.

What Mitch Hedberg was famous for? Mitch Hedberg is famous comedian with many good quotes. Well-known and respected in American society for wise sayings. Browse a lot of Mitch Hedberg books and reference books with quotes from Mitch Hedberg on Amazon.


Top Mitch Hedberg quotes about people

What are the best people quotes by Mitch Hedberg? List with Top 10 Mitch Hedberg sayings and quotes about people.


I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

  • brain

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

  • explain

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

  • dog

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.


It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


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Top Mitch Hedberg quotes about funny

What are the best funny quotes by Mitch Hedberg? List with Top 10 Mitch Hedberg sayings and quotes about funny.


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  • funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

  • funny

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

  • funny

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

  • amazing

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

  • funny

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  • funny

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Top Mitch Hedberg quotes about way

What are the best way quotes by Mitch Hedberg? List with Top 10 Mitch Hedberg sayings and quotes about way.


I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

  • car

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


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Top Mitch Hedberg quotes about think

What are the best think quotes by Mitch Hedberg? List with Top 10 Mitch Hedberg sayings and quotes about think.


Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

  • disillusion

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.


It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

  • people

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Top Mitch Hedberg quotes about last

What are the best last quotes by Mitch Hedberg? List with Top 10 Mitch Hedberg sayings and quotes about last.


I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

  • cube

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

  • adding

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  • last

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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Want some more good quotations by Mitch Hedberg? Explore the rest of 61 sayings by Mitch Hedberg.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  • last

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.


Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.




I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

  • cart

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

  • combination

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

  • four

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.


If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  • funny

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

  • eat

I bought a jump rope - but man, that thing’s just a rope. You have to do the jump part yourself.


I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

  • people

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

  • food

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'


My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.


I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

  • deli

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

  • way

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

  • wish

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Comedians similar to Mitch Hedberg

Which comedian has the best quotes? Top quotes from famous comedians like the following.


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Mitch Hedberg favorite topics

Mitch Hedberg is famous for his passion for people, funny, way, think, last. Check out great quotations and affirmations.


Conclusion

That were all of the 61 Mitch Hedberg quotes. Maybe some questions are in your head.

How to save Mitch Hedberg quotations? Save every quote you like to your Bookmarks for further reference. We rank the quotes by the number of bookmarks each one has. By bookmarking a quotation you increase its position in Quotlr rankings. We use top quotes as affirmations in our daily quote iPhone app.

How do you quote Mitch Hedberg? You are free to cite every quote from Mitch Hedberg found on Quotlr. Hit the share button to get sharing options for Facebook, Twitter or direct link for email.

When was Mitch Hedberg birthday? Mitch Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968.

Who is Mitch Hedberg? Some facts about Mitch Hedberg from biography. Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.... Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia or watch videos with quotes from Mitch Hedberg on YouTube.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Introduction

Part 2
Best Mitch Hedberg quotes
Top 10 quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Part 3
Mitch Hedberg quotes images

Part 4
People
Funny
Way
Think
Last
All quotes

Part 5
Similar Comedians

Part 6
Favorite topics

Part 7
Conclusion

Quote
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