110+ Mitch Hedberg Quotes On World, Quick And Witty

Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. He was known for his deadpan delivery and one-liners, often containing word play. He released four comedy albums and performed on television shows such as The Late Show with David Letterman and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg on life, world, love.

Top 10 Mitch Hedberg Quotes

1. I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
2. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
3. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
4. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
5. I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
6. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
7. Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
8. My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
9. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
10. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mitch Hedberg Image Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. — Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. — Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. — Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. — Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. — Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps — Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned! — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Short Quotes

• Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
• I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
• I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
• If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
• Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
• Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
• A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Life

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. — Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. — Mitch Hedberg

Come on 'long prosperous life!' — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Love

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited. — Mitch Hedberg

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers. — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About People

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting. — Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. — Mitch Hedberg

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story." — Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. — Mitch Hedberg

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. — Mitch Hedberg

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" — Mitch Hedberg

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic! — Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. — Mitch Hedberg

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something. — Mitch Hedberg

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Funny

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. — Mitch Hedberg

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. — Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. — Mitch Hedberg

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. — Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. — Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. — Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Jokes

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! — Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. — Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. — Mitch Hedberg

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous. — Mitch Hedberg

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to". — Mitch Hedberg

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" — Mitch Hedberg

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking. — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Gonna

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' — Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!" — Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. — Mitch Hedberg

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled! — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Play

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. — Mitch Hedberg

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" — Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. — Mitch Hedberg

I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again." — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Famous Quotes And Sayings

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. — Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. — Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. — Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. — Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps — Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' — Mitch Hedberg

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned! — Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me. — Mitch Hedberg

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. — Mitch Hedberg

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. — Mitch Hedberg

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf." — Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right. — Mitch Hedberg

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. — Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. — Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. — Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. — Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?' — Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets." — Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. — Mitch Hedberg

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. — Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. — Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. — Mitch Hedberg

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close. — Mitch Hedberg

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions. — Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. — Mitch Hedberg

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. — Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" — Mitch Hedberg

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. — Mitch Hedberg

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. — Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. — Mitch Hedberg

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss — Mitch Hedberg

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews' — Mitch Hedberg

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. — Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!" — Mitch Hedberg

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" — Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. — Mitch Hedberg

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. — Mitch Hedberg

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. — Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. — Mitch Hedberg

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate. — Mitch Hedberg

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord. — Mitch Hedberg

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!" — Mitch Hedberg

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! — Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. — Mitch Hedberg

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. — Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. — Mitch Hedberg

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. — Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. — Mitch Hedberg

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth. — Mitch Hedberg

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky. — Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!" — Mitch Hedberg

Life Lessons by Mitch Hedberg

1. Mitch Hedberg taught us to find humor in everyday life and not take ourselves too seriously. He reminded us to enjoy the little things and to never forget to laugh.
2. He also showed us the importance of staying true to yourself and following your own unique path.
3. Finally, Hedberg taught us to never be afraid to take risks and to always strive to be the best version of ourselves.