Quotes by American Comedian Mitch Hedberg


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg
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