Introduction

Go to table of contents

What are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes? Mitch Hedberg quotes on people, funny, wanted, last, eat are the ones, which make this Comedian famous. Access the best quotes from Mitch Hedberg sorted by user likes.

Where is Mitch Hedberg from? Mitch Hedberg is American. A recognized Comedian. The following quotes and images represent the American peculiarities embed in Mitch Hedberg's character.

What Mitch Hedberg was famous for? Mitch Hedberg is famous Comedian with tons of good quotes. Wise sayings can be accessed and memorized. Mitch Hedberg is well-known and respected in American society.

Can I save Mitch Hedberg quotes? Bookmark quotes so we can rank them by how many bookmarks every quote has. Save any quote to your bookmarks for futher reference and increase its position in Quotlr rankings. We feature quotes which get the most hype as Daily Quote in our app. Quotlr iOS app is available for free download from the Apple App Store.

How do you quote Mitch Hedberg? You are free to cite every quote from Mitch Hedberg found on Quotlr. Hit the share button to get sharing options for Facebook, Twitter or direct link for email.

Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

Go to table of contents

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  • funny


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

  • funny


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

  • addict


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

  • dreams




I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

  • bought


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

  • dating


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

  • used


I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

  • code


All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

  • funny


I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

  • birthday


I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

  • brain


My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

  • belt


Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

  • amazing


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

  • all


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

  • foot


Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

  • disillusion


Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

  • dogs


Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

  • book


I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

  • car


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

  • addicted


I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

  • cube


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

  • funny


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

  • against


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

  • fingers


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

  • cool


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

  • catch


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

  • days


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

  • adding


It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

  • explain


People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

  • dog


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  • last


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

  • depressing


Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

  • food


I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

  • especially


I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

  • four


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

  • again


I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

  • bunch


I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

  • normal


I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

  • human


I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

  • combination


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

  • bars


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

  • cart


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  • become


Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

  • deli


I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

  • remember


If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

  • draw


My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

  • actress


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

  • eat


Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

  • eat



Images quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Go to table of contents

Comedian similar to Mitch Hedberg


Go to table of contents


Conclusion

Go to table of contents

When Mitch Hedberg was born? Mitch Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968.

Who is Mitch Hedberg? Mitch Hedberg biography. Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Introduction

Part 2
Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

Part 3
Mitch Hedberg quotes images

Part 5
Similar Comedians

Part 6
Conclusion

Quote
Loading ...