What are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes?

Accurate and famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg about people, funny, way, think, last. Mitch Hedberg is well-known American comedian with many wise quotes. You can read the best of all time and enjoy Top 10 lists. Share the best Mitch Hedberg sayings with your friends and family.


  1. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


  2. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

    • funny

  3. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


  4. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.




  5. I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


  6. I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


  7. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!


  8. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


  9. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


  10. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.


  11. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


  12. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.


  13. All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

    • funny

  14. My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


  15. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


  16. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.


  17. Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.


  18. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


  19. I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


  20. Dogs are forever in the push up position.


  21. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

    • funny

  22. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


  23. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.


  24. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


  25. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


  26. It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?


  27. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.


  28. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


  29. I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.


  30. You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.



Top 10 quotes by Mitch Hedberg

  1. Top 10 quotes
  2. Go to table of contents

Mitch Hedberg image quotes

What are the best Mitch Hedberg images quotes? Read and bookmark finest sayings from Mitch Hedberg, embed as quotes on beautiful images. Those images have people quotes, funny quotes, way quotes, think quotes, last quotes.

That are top sayings from Mitch Hedberg as picture quotes. Access more quotations by Mitch Hedberg with images on Pinterest.

Go to table of contents

About Mitch Hedberg

Name Mitch Hedberg
About Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and uncon
Quotes 61 quotes
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday February 24, 1968
Top topics people, funny, way, think, last

Where is Mitch Hedberg from? Mitch Hedberg is American who said awesome wise words. Well-known and respected in American society for wise sayings. The following quotations and images represent the American nature embed in Mitch Hedberg's character.

What Mitch Hedberg was famous for? Mitch Hedberg is famous comedian with many good quotes. Influential and well recognized comedian all over the world. Browse a lot of Mitch Hedberg books and reference books with quotes from Mitch Hedberg on Amazon.


What are the best people quotes by Mitch Hedberg?


    I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

    • brain

    It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

    • explain

    People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

    • dog

    Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


    I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.


    I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


    Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.


    It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


More people quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best funny quotes by Mitch Hedberg?


    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

    • funny

    I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

    • funny

    Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

    • amazing

    All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

    • funny

    I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

    • funny

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

    • funny

More funny quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best way quotes by Mitch Hedberg?


    I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    • car

    I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


    I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


More way quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best think quotes by Mitch Hedberg?


    Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

    • disillusion

    I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.


    It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

    • people

More think quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best last quotes by Mitch Hedberg?


    I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

    • cube

    I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

    • adding

    Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

    • last

More last quotes or go to table of contents


More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Want some more good quotations by Mitch Hedberg? Explore the rest of 61 sayings by Mitch Hedberg.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  • last

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.


Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.




I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

  • cart

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

  • combination

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

  • four

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.


If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  • funny

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

  • eat

I bought a jump rope - but man, that thing’s just a rope. You have to do the jump part yourself.


I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

  • people

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

  • food

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'


My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.


I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

  • deli

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

  • way

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

  • wish


Comedians similar to Mitch Hedberg

Which comedian has the best quotes? Top quotes from famous comedians like the following.


Mitch Hedberg favorite topics

Mitch Hedberg is famous for his passion about people, funny, way, think, last. Check out great quotations and affirmations on these topics.


Conclusion

That were all of the 61 quotes from Mitch Hedberg. Maybe some questions are in your head.

How to save Mitch Hedberg quotations? Save every quote you like to your Bookmarks for further reference. You can also bookmark this author profile page for easier access. This way you can access any new quotes and updated lists.

How to get daily quotes? Every bookmark increase quote's position in Quotlr rankings. We feature quotes which get the most hype as Daily Quotes in our app. You can download Best Quotes by Quotlr for iPhone from the App Store.

How do you quote Mitch Hedberg quotations? You are free to cite every quote from Mitch Hedberg found on Quotlr. Hit the share button to get sharing options for Facebook, Twitter or direct link for email.

When was Mitch Hedberg birthday? Mitch Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968.

Who is Mitch Hedberg? Some facts about Mitch Hedberg from biography. Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.... Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia or watch videos with quotes from Mitch Hedberg on YouTube. Browse a lot of books about Mitch Hedberg on Amazon to get more reference.

Quote
Loading ...