There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.— Chris Rock
The most astonishing Chris Rock quotes that are glad to read
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser.
I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Never go to clubs with metal detectors.
Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
In the world of animation, you can be anything you wanna be.
If you're a fat woman, you can play a skinny princess. If you're short wimpy guy, you can play a tall gladiator. If you're a white man, you can play an Arabian prince. And if you're a black man, you can play a donkey or a zebra.
So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did.
That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.
I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.
Every man has to settle down eventually.
You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
Here's the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they're not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.
.. a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian.
The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage.
But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with.
C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible.
I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory.
Hollywood's racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like - we like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"
Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife.
He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.
When you have kids, there's no such thing as quality time.
There's just time. There's no, 'Ooh, his graduation's better than going to the mall.' It's all kind of equal. Changing her diaper and her winning a contest - it's all good.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.
' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
I saw the yearbook picture. There was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school, I don't have six friends now! That's three on three with a half court.
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop.
That's not a name, that's just a location.
People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war !
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.