Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.— Christopher Titus
The most jittery Christopher Titus quotes to get the best of your day
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.
Everybody has hope for the perfect love.
Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one.
Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
My father never missed a drink in his life.
Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family.
Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence.
Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's.
We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show.
What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
I do not need help destroying my relationship.
I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor.
The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds.
.. Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z.
Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
I love being from a screwed up family.
We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony.
But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move.
George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?
I had a real job at fourteen years old.
At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
After President Obama, President Rodriguez.
.. What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?