110+ Daniel Tosh Quotes On Education, World And Crass

Top 10 Daniel Tosh Quotes (BEST)

  1. Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
  2. How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
  3. I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
  4. Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
  5. The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
  6. I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
  7. I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
  8. It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
  9. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
  10. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Daniel Tosh Short Quotes

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  • Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
  • You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.
  • That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
  • A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
  • Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
  • I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
  • No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
  • It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.
  • Describe your perfect man who looks like me.
  • Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Daniel Tosh Quotes On Life

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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' — Daniel Tosh

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all — Daniel Tosh

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?" — Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. — Daniel Tosh

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. — Daniel Tosh

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes On World

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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson. — Daniel Tosh

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. — Daniel Tosh

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. — Daniel Tosh

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes On Love

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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon. — Daniel Tosh

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart. — Daniel Tosh

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth. — Daniel Tosh

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly. — Daniel Tosh

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. — Daniel Tosh

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Famous Quotes And Sayings

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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. — Daniel Tosh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. — Daniel Tosh

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other. — Daniel Tosh

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. — Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? — Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets. — Daniel Tosh

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. — Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic. — Daniel Tosh

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? — Daniel Tosh

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. — Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. — Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true. — Daniel Tosh

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you? — Daniel Tosh

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. — Daniel Tosh

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah. — Daniel Tosh

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. — Daniel Tosh

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure. — Daniel Tosh

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. — Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. — Daniel Tosh

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry. — Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. — Daniel Tosh

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? — Daniel Tosh

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? — Daniel Tosh

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare. — Daniel Tosh

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. — Daniel Tosh

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. — Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. — Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. — Daniel Tosh

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas. — Daniel Tosh

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid? — Daniel Tosh

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date. — Daniel Tosh

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can. — Daniel Tosh

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. — Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. — Daniel Tosh

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one. — Daniel Tosh

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. — Daniel Tosh

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. — Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" — Daniel Tosh

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult? — Daniel Tosh

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. — Daniel Tosh

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. — Daniel Tosh

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. — Daniel Tosh

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. — Daniel Tosh

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka. — Daniel Tosh

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it. — Daniel Tosh

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience. — Daniel Tosh

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag. — Daniel Tosh

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. — Daniel Tosh

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave. — Daniel Tosh

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. — Daniel Tosh

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past. — Daniel Tosh

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' — Daniel Tosh

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. — Daniel Tosh

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun." — Daniel Tosh

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross. — Daniel Tosh

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast. — Daniel Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back. — Daniel Tosh

Life Lessons by Daniel Tosh

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  1. Daniel Tosh teaches us to be confident in our own unique sense of humor and to never be afraid to take comedic risks.
  2. He also encourages us to be open-minded and willing to laugh at ourselves and our own shortcomings.
  3. Finally, Tosh teaches us to be aware of our audience and to tailor our jokes to their sensibilities.

In Conclusion

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