Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

— Daniel Tosh

The most professional Daniel Tosh quotes that are easy to memorize and remember

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.


I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.


Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.


The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.


If you like soccer, then welcome to America.

See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.


I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though.

Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'


It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.


I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.


Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'


You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.


Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.


I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'


About Daniel Tosh

Quotes 186 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday May 29, 1975

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.


How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.


This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.


That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.


You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.


No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all


Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.


We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?


I'm going to be cremated from the neck down.

And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.


A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.


You should never eat when you're on the toilet.

"But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.


Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.


I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.


I'm not honest, but you're interesting!


Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.


No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.


I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.


It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.


The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.


I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid.

So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.


Describe your perfect man who looks like me.


If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?


It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!


I don't know why I get away with some things.

But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.


Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.


I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.


When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.


Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.


It's not a stereotype if it's always true.


Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?


Making a good music video isn't easy.

If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.


I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.


Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift.

Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.


I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.


High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.


Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.


Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.