I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.— Dane Cook
The most viral Dane Cook quotes to discover and learn by heart
I'm a late-night guy.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs.
The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love.
Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
I had one job that was kind of cop-like.
One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.
It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day.
I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
Video games don't make people go nuts.
I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
You are the director of your own life story.
Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
You must accept responsibility for your actions.
This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
I'm watching some television tonight.
I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all.
I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you.
" If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54.
Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat.
It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with.
Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.
Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident.
Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to.
Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, .
.. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today.
I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit.
You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap.
No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.
I live my life like there's no yesterday.
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.