110+ Dane Cook Quotes On Cooking, Food And Education

Dane Cook is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and musician. He is known for his observational, often self-deprecating, and often vulgar style of comedy. Cook has released six comedy albums, with his most recent, Troublemaker, released in 2013. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Dane Cook on cooking, food, education.

Top 10 Dane Cook Quotes

1. I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
2. I'm a late-night guy.
3. Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
4. Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
5. Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
6. I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
7. Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
8. Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
9. When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
10. It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

Dane Cook Short Quotes

• I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
• I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
• It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
• Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
• I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
• I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.
• I live my life like there's no yesterday.
• My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
• I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
• Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

Dane Cook Quotes About Funny

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny. — Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. — Dane Cook

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny. — Dane Cook

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning. — Dane Cook

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. — Dane Cook

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote. — Dane Cook

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny. — Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect." — Dane Cook

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time! — Dane Cook

Dane Cook Famous Quotes And Sayings

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit! — Dane Cook

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground. — Dane Cook

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby. — Dane Cook

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling. — Dane Cook

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. — Dane Cook

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. — Dane Cook

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. — Dane Cook

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole. — Dane Cook

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you. — Dane Cook

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off." — Dane Cook

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance. — Dane Cook

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! — Dane Cook

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead. — Dane Cook

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron. — Dane Cook

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? — Dane Cook

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. — Dane Cook

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky. — Dane Cook

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80! — Dane Cook

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias. — Dane Cook

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person. — Dane Cook

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel. — Dane Cook

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing. — Dane Cook

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self. — Dane Cook

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage. — Dane Cook

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'. — Dane Cook

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win. — Dane Cook

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story. — Dane Cook

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. — Dane Cook

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone. — Dane Cook

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out. — Dane Cook

I won't take no for a question. — Dane Cook

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities. — Dane Cook

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair. — Dane Cook

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with. — Dane Cook

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. — Dane Cook

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. — Dane Cook

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. — Dane Cook

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO. — Dane Cook

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha! — Dane Cook

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared. — Dane Cook

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. — Dane Cook

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers. — Dane Cook

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. — Dane Cook

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people. — Dane Cook

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. — Dane Cook

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle. — Dane Cook

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated. — Dane Cook

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh! — Dane Cook

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there. — Dane Cook

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles. — Dane Cook

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it. — Dane Cook

I'm really great in other peoples relationships. — Dane Cook

I get so into the moment. — Dane Cook

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself. — Dane Cook

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today. — Dane Cook

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person. — Dane Cook

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space. — Dane Cook

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job. — Dane Cook

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes. — Dane Cook

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody. — Dane Cook

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle. — Dane Cook

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school — Dane Cook

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game. — Dane Cook

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions. — Dane Cook

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them. — Dane Cook

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit. — Dane Cook

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion. — Dane Cook

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that. — Dane Cook

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more. — Dane Cook

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh. — Dane Cook

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not — Dane Cook

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs. — Dane Cook

You can't teach an old hater new truths. — Dane Cook

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions. — Dane Cook

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is. — Dane Cook

It really drives me banana sangwich. — Dane Cook

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off. — Dane Cook

Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination. — Dane Cook

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice. — Dane Cook

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire. — Dane Cook

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. — Dane Cook

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me. — Dane Cook

There's estrogen running through my veins! — Dane Cook

Life Lessons by Dane Cook

1. Dane Cook teaches us to never give up on our dreams, no matter how hard life may be. He has shown us that with hard work and dedication, anything is possible.
2. He also encourages us to be ourselves and to embrace our uniqueness. He has demonstrated that it is ok to be different and to stand out from the crowd.
3. Finally, Dane Cook reminds us to enjoy the moment and to never take life too seriously. He has shown us that laughter is the best medicine and that it is important to find joy in life.