What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.— Fred Allen
The most killer Fred Allen quotes that are glad to read
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk;
today we have small men enjoying big talk.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies.
Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive.
Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.