Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.— Tim Allen
The most fulfilling Tim Allen quotes that are easy to memorize and remember
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!
Real men don't use instructions, son.
Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.
The greatest missile in the world is useless .
.. unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16.
Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.
Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made.
God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer.
Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot.
The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint.
After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.
Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .
. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don't do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn't like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I'd probably eat vegetables.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid.
I've never gotten over it.
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do.
Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.
I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.
I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
The world is your oyster when you are successful.
That was when I was getting scripts. I was planning for this. I like this business. Parts of it I love, and I didn't want it to just end. The further you get away from your success, the less your phone rings. The next thing you know, it's 20 years later and you're in a mall going, "Remember when Al and I used to do something like this.
I have a thing for tools.
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone.
It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)