I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

— George Burns

The most unconventional George Burns quotes you will be delighted to read

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

146

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

140

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

138

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

135

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

129

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

127

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.

The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

118

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

109

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

109

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

107

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

105

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

97

About George Burns

Quotes 150 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

89

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

88

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

82

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

81

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

79

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.

And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

77

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

68

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

68

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

63

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.

I tell them, a paternity suit.

55

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

52

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

50

In those days the best painkiller was ice;

it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

47

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

40

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

40

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

31

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

30

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

26

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

26

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

23

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

21

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

21

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

21

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

21

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else.

...I never lied better.

20

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

20

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist.

When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

18

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

16

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

16

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

15

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.

15

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

13

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

13

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

12

I get a standing ovation just standing

12

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

12

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

12
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