A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.— Bob Hope
The most provocative Bob Hope quotes that will transform you to a better person
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
I have always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things -- not the great occasions -- that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
Rock and roll is catching on all over .
. . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender.
Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed.
They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took.
It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again.
They just find their shoelaces and bags.
Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands