37+ Bob Monkhouse Quotes (Witty, Charismatic And Entertaining)

Bob Monkhouse was an English comedian, actor, writer and presenter. He was best known for his comedy and game show hosting, which spanned five decades. He was also a regular on British television, appearing on shows such as The Bob Monkhouse Show, Bob's Full House and Family Fortunes.

Top 10 Bob Monkhouse Quotes

1. Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
2. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
3. I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
4. I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
5. Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
6. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
7. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
8. The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
9. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
10. What do gardeners do when they retire?

Bob Monkhouse Short Quotes

• I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
• Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
• I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
• I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!
• With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
• I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
• I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
• It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
• When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Bob Monkhouse Famous Quotes And Sayings

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days. — Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative. — Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' — Bob Monkhouse

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now — Bob Monkhouse

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers. — Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! — Bob Monkhouse

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!" — Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? — Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. — Bob Monkhouse

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. — Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. — Bob Monkhouse

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle. — Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. — Bob Monkhouse

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. — Bob Monkhouse

Life Lessons by Bob Monkhouse

1. Bob Monkhouse taught us the importance of hard work and dedication in order to achieve success. He worked tirelessly to perfect his craft and was known for his quick wit and ability to improvise.
2. He also showed us that failure is not the end of the world, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow. He often talked about how he had been rejected many times before finding success.
3. Finally, he demonstrated the value of having a positive attitude and staying humble. He was always grateful for his success and never took it for granted.