Bob Saget Quotes

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy;

they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever;

he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds.

The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea.

But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy.

And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows.

I told her, You need to meet other people.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch.

But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.