110+ Robert Benchley Quotes On Education, Religion And World

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Top 10 Robert Benchley Quotes (BEST)

  1. We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
  2. Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
  3. The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
  4. You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
  5. In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
  6. Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
  7. There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.
  8. A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
  9. Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
  10. A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Robert Benchley Short Quotes

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  • Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
  • Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books
  • Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
  • Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one
  • The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
  • Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor?
  • Streets flooded. Please advise.
  • All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.
  • Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Robert Benchley Quotes On Life

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I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures. — Robert Benchley

This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as "regulations" but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny. — Robert Benchley

The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life which does not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest. — Robert Benchley

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria. — Robert Benchley

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men. — Robert Benchley

Sunday morning may be cheery enough, with its extra cup of coffee and litter of Sunday newspapers, but there is always hanging over it the ominous threat of 3 P.M., when the sun gets around to the back windows and life stops dead in its tracks. — Robert Benchley

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On World

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At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands. — Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. — Robert Benchley

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On Death

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A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. — Robert Benchley

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. — Robert Benchley

The only cure for a real hangover is death. — Robert Benchley

She sleeps alone at last. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On Humorous

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If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge. — Robert Benchley

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this. — Robert Benchley

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery. — Robert Benchley

Streets full of water. Please Advise. — Robert Benchley

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition. — Robert Benchley

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. — Robert Benchley

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On Writing

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It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. — Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. — Robert Benchley

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. — Robert Benchley

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted. — Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I coudn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. — Robert Benchley

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On Drinking

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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony. — Robert Benchley

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. — Robert Benchley

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Quotes On Children

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Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got. — Robert Benchley

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another. — Robert Benchley

There are two ways to travel, first class or with children. — Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children. — Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley Famous Quotes And Sayings

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I can't quite define my aversion to asking questions of strangers. From snatches of family battles which I have heard drifting up from railway stations and street corners, I gather that there are a great many men who share my dislike for it, as well as an equal number of women who ... believe it to be the solution to most of this world's problems. — Robert Benchley

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. — Robert Benchley

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. — Robert Benchley

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. — Robert Benchley

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example. — Robert Benchley

The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something. — Robert Benchley

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. — Robert Benchley

I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason. — Robert Benchley

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it. — Robert Benchley

In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools. Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs. — Robert Benchley

The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time. — Robert Benchley

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. — Robert Benchley

I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that. — Robert Benchley

One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully. — Robert Benchley

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled. — Robert Benchley

Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper. — Robert Benchley

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out. — Robert Benchley

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello. — Robert Benchley

If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls. — Robert Benchley

The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field. — Robert Benchley

A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs. — Robert Benchley

A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through eating, without being made the subject of a psychological seminar of child-welfare experts, and written up, along with five hundred other children of three who have put their hands to their mouths for the same reason. — Robert Benchley

What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way. — Robert Benchley

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with childen. — Robert Benchley

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't. — Robert Benchley

There is probably not more than one hundred dollars in cash in circulation today. That is, if you were to call in all the bills and silver and gold in the country at noon tomorrow and pile them on the table, you would find that you had just about one hundred dollars, with perhaps several Canadian pennies and a few peppermint Life Savers. — Robert Benchley

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. — Robert Benchley

When we think back to our forefathers, with their sedentary lives of forest-chopping, railroad-building, fortune-founding, their fox-hunting and Indian taming, their prancing about in the mazurka and the polka, with their coattails flying and their bustles bouncing, to say nothing of their all-day sessions with the port and straight bourbon,... we must realize that we are a nation, not of neurasthenics, but of sissies and slow-motion sports. — Robert Benchley

Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer. — Robert Benchley

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. — Robert Benchley

I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered. — Robert Benchley

I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new school was taking up Silas Marner, with the result that it was the only book in the English language that I knew until I was eighteen--but, boy, did I know Silas Marner! — Robert Benchley

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from. — Robert Benchley

Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs. — Robert Benchley

My first big mistake was made when, in a moment of weakness, I consented to learn the game; for a man who can frankly say "I do not play bridge" is allowed to go over in the corner and run the pianola by himself, while the poor neophyte, no matter how much he may protest that he isn't "at all a good player, in fact I'm perfectly rotten," is never believed, but dragged into a game where it is discovered, too late, that he spoke the truth. — Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands. — Robert Benchley

Work is a form of nervousness. — Robert Benchley

Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée. — Robert Benchley

Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. It is especially valuable in this respect in serious writing, and no one without a sense of humor should ever write seriously. For without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it. — Robert Benchley

There are several natural phenomena which I shall have to have explained to me before I can keep on going as a resident member ofthe human race. One is the metamorphosis which hats and suits undergo exactly one week after their purchase, whereby they are changed from smart, intensely becoming articles of apparel into something children use when they want to "dress up like daddy. — Robert Benchley

It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly. — Robert Benchley

There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist. — Robert Benchley

If you are one of the hewers of wood and drawers of small weekly paychecks, your letters will have to contain some few items of news or they will be accounted dry stuff.... But if you happen to be of a literary turn of mind, or are, in any way, likely to become famous, you may settle down to an afternoon of letter-writing on nothing more sprightly in the way of news than the shifting of the wind from south to south-east. — Robert Benchley

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out. — Robert Benchley

If only those old walls could talk...how boring they would be. — Robert Benchley

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her. — Robert Benchley

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. — Robert Benchley

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory. — Robert Benchley

A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age. — Robert Benchley

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once. — Robert Benchley

Consider the number of young people all over the world who are getting married, day in and day out, for no other reason than thatsomeone of the opposite sex looks well in a green jersey or sings baritone, and then tell me that divorce has reached menacing proportions. The surface of divorce has not even been scratched yet. — Robert Benchley

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine. — Robert Benchley

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation. — Robert Benchley

I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed to return. They say, "Please fill out and return the enclosed envelope," and the enclosed envelope is always one-quarter of an inch too small. — Robert Benchley

What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party--any party at all--until it is all over and the lightsare being put out?... I suppose that part of this mania for staying is due to a fear that, if I go, something good will happen and I'll miss it. Somebody might do card tricks, or shoot somebody else. — Robert Benchley

There is probably no moment more appalling than that in which the tongue comes suddenly upon the ragged edge of a space from which the old familiar filling has disappeared. — Robert Benchley

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. We are constantly remarking on the fact that things are done well by people other than ourselves. The Japanese are a remarkable little people, we say, as if we were doing them a favor. He is an Arab, but you ought to hear him play the zither. Why but? — Robert Benchley

Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times. — Robert Benchley

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. — Robert Benchley

I never knew anyone yet who got up at six who did anything more useful between that time and breakfast than banging a tennis ballup against the side of the house, waiting for the more civilized members of the party to get up. — Robert Benchley

But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties. — Robert Benchley

Life Lessons by Robert Benchley

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  1. Robert Benchley taught us to always look for the humor in life, no matter how difficult the situation. He showed us that it is important to laugh at ourselves and not take life too seriously.
  2. He also taught us the importance of maintaining a positive attitude, even when faced with adversity, and to never give up on our dreams.
  3. Lastly, Robert Benchley taught us to be kind and generous to others, and to always remember that it is better to give than to receive.

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