We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.— Robert Benchley
The most viral Robert Benchley quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
I can't quite define my aversion to asking questions of strangers.
From snatches of family battles which I have heard drifting up from railway stations and street corners, I gather that there are a great many men who share my dislike for it, as well as an equal number of women who ... believe it to be the solution to most of this world's problems.
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.
The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something.
I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.
Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one
Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on.
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason.
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time.
In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools.
Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs.
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.
At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.
One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.
The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor.
Call in three good doctors and play bridge.
[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul.
If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that.
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor?
One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.
The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.
The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field.