Milton Berle Quotes

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

If opportunity doesnt knock, build a door

Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals.

The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are;

because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Santa is having a tough time this year.

Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.

If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays.

When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

The company accountant is shy and retiring.

He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

If oppurtunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me.

" On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day.

I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools.

If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family.

In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day.

When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.