110+ Milton Berle Quotes On Marriage, Aging And Aging Well

Milton Berle was an American comedian and actor. He was known as "Mr. Television" for his role in popularizing the medium in the early days of broadcasting. He was a top-rated television star in the 1950s and hosted the Texaco Star Theatre variety show from 1948 to 1956. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Milton Berle on love, life, leadership.

Top 10 Milton Berle Quotes

1. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
2. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
3. Laughter is an instant vacation.
4. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
5. The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
6. Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
7. Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
8. Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
9. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
10. Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Milton Berle Image Quotes

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation. — Milton Berle

Milton Berle Short Quotes

• They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
• Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
• A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
• She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
• You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
• All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
• If oppurtunity doesn't knock, build a door.
• It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
• I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
• I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Milton Berle Quotes About Life

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. — Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. — Milton Berle

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. — Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. — Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. — Milton Berle

Milton Berle Quotes About Aging

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. — Milton Berle

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. — Milton Berle

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. — Milton Berle

Milton Berle Famous Quotes And Sayings

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation. — Milton Berle

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing! — Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. — Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. — Milton Berle

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!" — Milton Berle

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore! — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. — Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! — Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. — Milton Berle

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. — Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? — Milton Berle

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" — Milton Berle

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. — Milton Berle

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient. — Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. — Milton Berle

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it. — Milton Berle

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! — Milton Berle

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. — Milton Berle

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me. — Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. — Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. — Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. — Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street. — Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. — Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year." — Milton Berle

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! — Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together — Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. — Milton Berle

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. — Milton Berle

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. — Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. — Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." — Milton Berle

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm. — Milton Berle

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit. — Milton Berle

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" — Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! — Milton Berle

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. — Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. — Milton Berle

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter. — Milton Berle

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat? — Milton Berle

A thing of beauty is a job forever. — Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. — Milton Berle

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living. — Milton Berle

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! — Milton Berle

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. — Milton Berle

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle. — Milton Berle

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. — Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? — Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. — Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. — Milton Berle

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. — Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? — Milton Berle

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school. — Milton Berle

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. — Milton Berle

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon? — Milton Berle

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back. — Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. — Milton Berle

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. — Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. — Milton Berle

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" — Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. — Milton Berle

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. — Milton Berle

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. — Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. — Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" — Milton Berle

Life Lessons by Milton Berle

1. Life is full of surprises and you should always be prepared for the unexpected. Milton Berle taught us to always be ready to adapt and adjust to any situation.
2. He also taught us to never give up and to always strive to be the best version of ourselves. He was a firm believer in the power of hard work and dedication.
3. Lastly, Milton Berle taught us to always have a sense of humor and to not take life too seriously. He showed us that laughter is the best medicine and that it can help us get through any situation.