Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?— Erma Bombeck
The most memorable Erma Bombeck quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain
I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A child needs your love most when they deserve it least.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
When I stand before god at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.
Cats invented self-esteem.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club.
You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school.
I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation.
If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.
..One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage.
Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Cleanliness is not next to godliness.
It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever.
Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength.
They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
He who laughs.....lasts.
Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world.
They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms.
Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.