110+ Dave Barry Quotes On Aging, Marriage And Meetings

Dave Barry is an American author and columnist, who was born in 1947. He is best known for his humorous columns in the Miami Herald, which earned him the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary in 1988. He has since written over 30 books, many of which are collections of his newspaper columns. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Dave Barry on aging, marriage, life.

Top 10 Dave Barry Quotes

1. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
2. You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.
3. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
4. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
5. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
6. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
7. Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
8. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
9. Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
10. Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry Image Quotes

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. — Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. — Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. — Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. — Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Short Quotes

• Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
• Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
• The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
• Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.
• Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Dave Barry Quotes About Aging

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies. — Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. — Dave Barry

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. — Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. — Dave Barry

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. — Dave Barry

By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely "middle-aged-person nostalgia music. — Dave Barry

But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you. — Dave Barry

The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use. — Dave Barry

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! — Dave Barry

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday! — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Marriage

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day. — Dave Barry

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. — Dave Barry

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Life

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them. — Dave Barry

Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer. — Dave Barry

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. — Dave Barry

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages — Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

You should not confuse your career with your life. — Dave Barry

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. — Dave Barry

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou. — Dave Barry

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. — Dave Barry

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' — Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. — Dave Barry

If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. — Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. — Dave Barry

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Humorous

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. — Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. — Dave Barry

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. — Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up. — Dave Barry

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. — Dave Barry

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost. — Dave Barry

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy. — Dave Barry

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. — Dave Barry

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Insightful

I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks. — Dave Barry

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.) — Dave Barry

I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is the one perspective that's almost completely lacking in Washington. — Dave Barry

Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Witty

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. — Dave Barry

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. — Dave Barry

What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrific-ally witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About People

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. — Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. — Dave Barry

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass. — Dave Barry

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is. — Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. — Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. — Dave Barry

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security — Dave Barry

I guess nobody assumes anybody is a libertarian. It's a more complex political discussion than most people are used to, to explain why you think the way you do about public education or drug laws, and why it's not as simple as being for or against something. — Dave Barry

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Humor

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes. — Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. — Dave Barry

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports. — Dave Barry

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. — Dave Barry

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. — Dave Barry

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare. — Dave Barry

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt. — Dave Barry

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with. — Dave Barry

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. — Dave Barry

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Person

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. — Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. — Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. — Dave Barry

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. — Dave Barry

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. — Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. — Dave Barry

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. — Dave Barry

One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals." I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Problem

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. — Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. — Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. — Dave Barry

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. — Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. — Dave Barry

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community! — Dave Barry

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements. — Dave Barry

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain. — Dave Barry

I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat, that's not the problem anymore. Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are the problem. That's us. That's our generation. There the press never says a word. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes About Word

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required". — Dave Barry

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom. — Dave Barry

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism. — Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. — Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry

Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money. — Dave Barry

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. — Dave Barry

My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words. — Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! — Dave Barry

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Famous Quotes And Sayings

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent. — Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. — Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. — Dave Barry

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain. — Dave Barry

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way. — Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. — Dave Barry

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. — Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. — Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. — Dave Barry

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. — Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. — Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. — Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. — Dave Barry

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. — Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. — Dave Barry

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt. — Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. — Dave Barry

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. — Dave Barry

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. — Dave Barry

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. — Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. — Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. — Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. — Dave Barry

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon — Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. — Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. — Dave Barry

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. — Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. — Dave Barry

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on. — Dave Barry

I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals. — Dave Barry

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong. — Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. — Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. — Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. — Dave Barry

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry

The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move. — Dave Barry

The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings. — Dave Barry

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities. — Dave Barry

As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons. — Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. — Dave Barry

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap. — Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. — Dave Barry

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope. — Dave Barry

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that! — Dave Barry

You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you? — Dave Barry

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube. — Dave Barry

I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body. — Dave Barry

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. — Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. — Dave Barry

The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. — Dave Barry

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet — Dave Barry

Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain. — Dave Barry

Life Lessons by Dave Barry

1. Dave Barry taught us to always keep a sense of humor, no matter the situation. He showed us that it's okay to laugh at ourselves and to take life a little less seriously.
2. He also taught us to be open-minded and to embrace the diversity of the world around us. He encouraged us to look for the humor in different cultures and to appreciate the differences between us.
3. Lastly, Dave Barry showed us the importance of being passionate and creative. He demonstrated that even in the face of adversity, we can still find joy and inspiration in our work.