You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby.
This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy.
In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions.
This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.