110+ Phyllis Diller Quotes On Aging, Witty And Eccentric

Phyllis Diller was an American comedian, actress, and writer. She was known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh. She was one of the first female stand-up comics and paved the way for many female comics who followed in her footsteps. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Phyllis Diller on aging, witty, eccentric.

Top 10 Phyllis Diller Quotes

1. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
3. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
4. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
5. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
6. I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
7. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
8. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
9. I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
10. My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Phyllis Diller Image Quotes

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. — Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Short Quotes

• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
• Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
• Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
• I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
• By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
• Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
• A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Phyllis Diller Quotes About Aging

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. — Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. — Phyllis Diller

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip. — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes About Children

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. — Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! — Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes About Walk

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes About Kids

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. — Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office. — Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. — Phyllis Diller

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight. — Phyllis Diller

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens. — Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?. — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes And Sayings

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. — Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. — Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. — Phyllis Diller

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. — Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. — Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. — Phyllis Diller

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy! — Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? — Phyllis Diller

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like. — Phyllis Diller

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway. — Phyllis Diller

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt. — Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade! — Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. — Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. — Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!' — Phyllis Diller

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. — Phyllis Diller

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. — Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing. — Phyllis Diller

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. — Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. — Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. — Phyllis Diller

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. — Phyllis Diller

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it. — Phyllis Diller

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! — Phyllis Diller

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. — Phyllis Diller

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. — Phyllis Diller

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in. — Phyllis Diller

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. — Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. — Phyllis Diller

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78! — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days. — Phyllis Diller

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck. — Phyllis Diller

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. — Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players. — Phyllis Diller

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards. — Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty. — Phyllis Diller

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money. — Phyllis Diller

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. — Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. — Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. — Phyllis Diller

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. — Phyllis Diller

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. — Phyllis Diller

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. — Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. — Phyllis Diller

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. — Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. — Phyllis Diller

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother. — Phyllis Diller

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. — Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate. — Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." — Phyllis Diller

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear. — Phyllis Diller

Life Lessons by Phyllis Diller

1. Phyllis Diller taught us to laugh at ourselves and to never take life too seriously. She showed us that it's okay to be unique and to express our individuality. Lastly, she encouraged us to never give up on our dreams, no matter how difficult they may seem.