We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.— Phyllis Diller
The most perspective Phyllis Diller quotes that will activate your inner potential
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight!
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.
' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor.
Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not.
They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
I don't know how you feel about old age.
.. but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents.
It is not enough that you like his parole officer.