Who is Phyllis Diller ?
Phyllis Diller was a Golden Globe-nominated American comedienne considered to be one of the pioneers of female stand-up comedy. She created a stage character persona that was a wild-haired, eccentrically-dressed housewife who made jokes about a fictional husband named "Fang" while smoking from a long cigarette holder.
Let this list of 20 quotations by the American comedian Phyllis Diller lead you to an inspirational day. Recharge yourself with motivational children, anger, walk sayings, and satisfy your hunger for a better life.
What are the best Phyllis Diller quotes?
We've made this hand-picked collection of quotes to show you what is
Phyllis Diller truly willing to say and leave for generations. Whether an inspirational quote or a motivational message about giving your best, we can all benefit from the wisdom, captured within these words.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
Top 10 quotes and images by Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
About Phyllis Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy.
On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
I don't know how you feel about old age.
.. but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.