I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

— Elayne Boosler

The most revolutionary Elayne Boosler quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

46

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

25

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.

They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

21

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

18

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

14

People are giving birth underwater now.

They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

11

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

11

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

10

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

10

Men put all kinds of expectations on you.

They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

8

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

8

People want sex education out of the schools.

They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

6

About Elayne Boosler

Quotes 40 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

6

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

3

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

2

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

0

My mother always said you could eat off her floor;

you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

0

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

0

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? .

. . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

0

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

0

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

0

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

0

As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.

0

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him.

Why? I was the only one without a cat.

0

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

0

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

0

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh.

Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

0

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

0

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

0

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

0

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

0

Laundry's easier when you live alone.

Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

0

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

0

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics.

Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

0

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

0

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

0

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

0

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

0

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

0
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