Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

β€” Janeane Garofalo

The most unforgettable Janeane Garofalo quotes to discover and learn by heart

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.

58

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.

The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

56

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

53

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them.

Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

33

It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

29

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

29

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'

20

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

14

Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.

13

Anybody who French bashes just might as well wear a badge that says 'I am a follower! I don't think for myself and I have no idea what I'm talking about.' That would be a French basher.

12

Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin.

Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.

12

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

12

About Janeane Garofalo

Quotes 111 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

I truly believe a woman's weight is a political issue, and if one young woman out there can see me and not feel crummy about herself, that's a good thing.

10

It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things.

And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.

9

Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

8

I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything.

8

Let's be very honest about what this is about.

It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don't know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up.

7

To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.

7

There's always [on women's magazines] that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'

7

How long do we have to deal with conservative failure? How long? Thirty years is not enough? So I would say enough with that, and I would say check out the Center for American Progress, and the writings by Patrick Garofalo, economic guru. That's what I would say.

6

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.

5

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.

4

Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.

4

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

4

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.

4

When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.

4

Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly.

But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.

3

He [God] just seems so man-made to me.

There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.

3

The media is supposed to be custodians of the facts and watchdogs of government.

They have, for the most part, neglected to be either of those things.

3

The handful of corporations that own most of the media outlets have an interest in reflecting establishment views.

3

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions.

We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

3

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it.

The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

3

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.

3

Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem.

It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

3

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

3

I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.

3

I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year?

1

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

1

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.

The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

1

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.

0

Sage advice? If you're drunk, stay away from the phone.

You can't get the answering machine message back.

0

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

0

Well I don't know what the city of Hollywood knows about foreign policy, but do I know that a lot of people do learn and educate themselves about policy and I don't have to be a policy expert to know that this will be a disaster.

0

... being a feminist means that you believe in civil rights and social justice.

0

I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.

0

I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.

0

For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't.

0

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

0

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

0
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