Best quotes by the American Comedian Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
  • funny

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • Envy

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • crazy



When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • Children

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
  • Food

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
  • sports

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
  • coming

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • being

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • bath

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  • Honesty

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
  • come

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • honest

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
  • fed

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • father

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
  • asleep

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
  • Age

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
  • Marriage

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • Respect

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
  • being

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
  • apart

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
  • bartender

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
  • morning

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
  • asked

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  • car

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
  • born

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
  • ben

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  • feed

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
  • pet

My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!
  • Marriage


Pictures quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes About

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Rodney Dangerfield wife quotes

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • funny

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  • car

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
  • cheats

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
  • best

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
  • night

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • bee

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
  • afraid

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  • coming

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • again

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
  • marriage

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • bartender

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Rodney Dangerfield funny quotes

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
  • funny

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  • funny

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
  • crime

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
  • funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
  • crime

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • funny

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Rodney Dangerfield marriage quotes

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
  • Marriage

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
  • apart

My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!
  • Marriage

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • again

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
  • marriage

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • marriage

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Rodney Dangerfield told quotes

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • crazy

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • being

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
  • fed

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • bee

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • bartender

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
  • brown

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Rodney Dangerfield psychiatrist quotes

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • crazy

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • being

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
  • night

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • bartender

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More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
  • Sex

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
  • drink

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
  • cheats

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
  • life



Life is just a bowl of pits.
  • bowl

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  • funny

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
  • best

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
  • night

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • cat

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • bee

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
  • pet

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
  • dog

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
  • halloween

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
  • afraid

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  • coming

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  • chair

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • again

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  • came

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
  • marriage

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
  • ask

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • bartender

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
  • brown

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
  • cigarette

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
  • another

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
  • crime

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
  • funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
  • crime

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • funny

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • marriage


Comedian similar to Rodney Dangerfield


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Josh Billings 112 quotes
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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Best Rodney Dangerfield quotes

Part 2
Rodney Dangerfield pictures quotes

Part 3
Rodney Dangerfield's Quotes About ...
Wife
Funny
Marriage
Told
Psychiatrist
All Rodney Dangerfield quotes

Part 4
Quotes by authors similar to Rodney Dangerfield

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