Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.

When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.