110+ Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (Self-deprecating, Witty And Iconic)

Rodney Dangerfield was an American stand-up comedian, actor, and comedian who was known for his self-deprecating humor and catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" He was active in the entertainment industry from the 1950s until his death in 2004. He was best known for his appearances in films such as Caddyshack, Back to School, and Easy Money.

Top 10 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

1. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
2. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
3. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
4. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
5. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
6. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
7. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
8. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
9. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
10. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield Image Quotes

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. — Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Short Quotes

• Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Rodney Dangerfield Famous Quotes And Sayings

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. — Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. — Rodney Dangerfield

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." — Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." — Rodney Dangerfield

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' — Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. — Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! — Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. — Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. — Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. — Rodney Dangerfield

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. — Rodney Dangerfield

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. — Rodney Dangerfield

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. — Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. — Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. — Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". — Rodney Dangerfield

People seldom live up to their baby pictures. — Rodney Dangerfield

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. — Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. — Rodney Dangerfield

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! — Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. — Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! — Rodney Dangerfield

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? — Rodney Dangerfield

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid! — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. — Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. — Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. — Rodney Dangerfield

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. — Rodney Dangerfield

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. — Rodney Dangerfield

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache. — Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. — Rodney Dangerfield

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. — Rodney Dangerfield

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' — Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect — Rodney Dangerfield

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. — Rodney Dangerfield

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. — Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. — Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. — Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. — Rodney Dangerfield

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved. — Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. — Rodney Dangerfield

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield

Life Lessons by Rodney Dangerfield

1. Rodney Dangerfield taught us to never take ourselves too seriously, and to be able to laugh at ourselves.
2. He also showed us the importance of hard work and dedication, as he worked hard to make it as a successful comedian.
3. Lastly, he taught us the importance of having a positive attitude and to always look on the bright side of life, no matter what.