55+ Frank Carson Quotes On Education, World And Success

Frank Carson was an Irish comedian, actor and all-round entertainer who was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland. He was best known for his catchphrase "It's the way I tell 'em!" and was a regular on British television in the 1970s and 1980s. He was a popular stand-up comedian who often appeared on panel shows such as The Comedians and The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Frank Carson on education, leadership, world.

Top 10 Frank Carson Quotes

1. I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
2. A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
3. Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
4. Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
5. A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
6. There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
7. A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
8. A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
9. I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
10. It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Frank Carson Short Quotes

• So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
• Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
• There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
• This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
• I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
• I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
• The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
• America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
• Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Frank Carson Quotes About Funny

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself. — Frank Carson

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. — Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages." — Frank Carson

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous." — Frank Carson

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed. — Frank Carson

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again." — Frank Carson

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle." — Frank Carson

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens. — Frank Carson

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag. — Frank Carson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man. — Frank Carson

Frank Carson Famous Quotes And Sayings

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's." — Frank Carson

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off? — Frank Carson

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was. — Frank Carson

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon. — Frank Carson

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?" — Frank Carson

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night. — Frank Carson

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick. — Frank Carson

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish. — Frank Carson

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer. — Frank Carson

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people. — Frank Carson

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous. — Frank Carson

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here." — Frank Carson

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen. — Frank Carson

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it." — Frank Carson

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg." — Frank Carson

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me. — Frank Carson

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen." — Frank Carson

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror." — Frank Carson

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there." — Frank Carson

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour. — Frank Carson

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.' — Frank Carson

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?" — Frank Carson

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it! — Frank Carson

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p. — Frank Carson

Life Lessons by Frank Carson

1. Frank Carson taught us to never give up, no matter how hard the challenge. He worked hard to make his dreams come true and his determination and resilience paid off.
2. He also showed us that a good sense of humour can go a long way in life, and that it's important to be able to laugh at yourself.
3. Finally, he showed us that it's possible to find success and joy in life, no matter where you come from or what your background is.