My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.— Anthony Jeselnik
The most powerful Anthony Jeselnik quotes that will add value to your life
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident.
Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn.
The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy.
Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite.
He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass.
But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage.
Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
My girlfriend wants an open relationship.
I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.
Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date.
It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny;
you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
It was important to me to be cool as a comedian.
I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.
If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church.
And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.