110+ Anthony Jeselnik Quotes (Dark, Twisted And Hilarious)

Anthony Jeselnik is an American stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and producer. He is known for his dark comedy style, which often includes satirical and black humor. He is the host of the Comedy Central show The Jeselnik Offensive and has released two comedy albums, Caligula and Thoughts and Prayers.

Top 10 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

1. The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'
2. My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
3. You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
4. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
5. My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
6. My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
7. I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
8. I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
9. I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
10. My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Anthony Jeselnik Short Quotes

• I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
• Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
• The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
• Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
• I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
• I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
• I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
• When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
• My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
• I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

Anthony Jeselnik Famous Quotes And Sayings

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner? — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head. — Anthony Jeselnik

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic. — Anthony Jeselnik

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. — Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. — Anthony Jeselnik

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. — Anthony Jeselnik

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.' — Anthony Jeselnik

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? — Anthony Jeselnik

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies? — Anthony Jeselnik

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet. — Anthony Jeselnik

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' — Anthony Jeselnik

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. — Anthony Jeselnik

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah." — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album. — Anthony Jeselnik

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately. — Anthony Jeselnik

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability. — Anthony Jeselnik

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. — Anthony Jeselnik

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop. — Anthony Jeselnik

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. — Anthony Jeselnik

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility. — Anthony Jeselnik

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor. — Anthony Jeselnik

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. — Anthony Jeselnik

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. — Anthony Jeselnik

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. — Anthony Jeselnik

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. — Anthony Jeselnik

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy. — Anthony Jeselnik

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album? — Anthony Jeselnik

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife. — Anthony Jeselnik

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. — Anthony Jeselnik

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it — Anthony Jeselnik

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do. — Anthony Jeselnik

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same. — Anthony Jeselnik

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place. — Anthony Jeselnik

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. — Anthony Jeselnik

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared. — Anthony Jeselnik

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. — Anthony Jeselnik

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. — Anthony Jeselnik

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop. — Anthony Jeselnik

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’. — Anthony Jeselnik

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. — Anthony Jeselnik

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. — Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die. — Anthony Jeselnik

The world is full of horrible things. — Anthony Jeselnik

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault. — Anthony Jeselnik

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well. — Anthony Jeselnik

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. — Anthony Jeselnik

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. — Anthony Jeselnik

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. — Anthony Jeselnik

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player. — Anthony Jeselnik

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight. — Anthony Jeselnik

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year. — Anthony Jeselnik

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. — Anthony Jeselnik

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. — Anthony Jeselnik

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. — Anthony Jeselnik

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect. — Anthony Jeselnik

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted. — Anthony Jeselnik

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really. — Anthony Jeselnik

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse. — Anthony Jeselnik

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. — Anthony Jeselnik

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different. — Anthony Jeselnik

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh. — Anthony Jeselnik

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm too cynical to be an optimist. — Anthony Jeselnik

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny. — Anthony Jeselnik

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves. — Anthony Jeselnik

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. — Anthony Jeselnik

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way. — Anthony Jeselnik

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes. — Anthony Jeselnik

Life Lessons by Anthony Jeselnik

1. Anthony Jeselnik teaches us to be confident in our own comedic style, no matter how dark or controversial it may be.
2. He also encourages us to take risks and push boundaries when crafting jokes, as it often leads to the most memorable comedy.
3. Lastly, Jeselnik's work shows us the importance of timing and delivery when it comes to delivering a punchline.