79+ Theo Von Quotes to Make You Burst into Laughter and Thinking

Theo Von is a stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television personality known for his unique storytelling style and quick wit. He rose to prominence through his appearances on comedy shows like "Last Comic Standing" and "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." As a podcast host, he created "This Past Weekend" where he engages in conversations with guests from various walks of life, sharing personal stories and discussing topics ranging from comedy to personal growth. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Theo Von on life, comedy, storytelling.

Top 10 Theo Von Quotes

1. A hat is just like a tiny apartment for your head.
2. My father was Nicaraguan. Where all my Nic-gars at?
3. When I see somebody in a Prius, sure, you drive a Prius and you get good gas mileage, but you probably feel like you drive a Prius.
4. Your toes are like ten small little Floridas just hanging off your body.
5. I've been watching softball. Like, dude, am I a lesbian?
6. I'll attack one of these guys for oil, bru. That's how American I am.
7. Camping is like being briefly Amish.
8. I have a rare body type. I have the rib cage of a large cat and the heart of a lesbian.
9. If God didn't want a women to cook he wouldn't have put milk and eggs in her body.
10. I had to defecate and that’s actually French for sh*t.

Theo Von Short Quotes

• Life is a salad and the Lord is my vinaigrette.
• My buddy got bit by a black widow. She was in her 40s.
• A bridge is just a road that's brave as f*ck.
• I ain’t being gay. There’s already too many gays out there! 90,000 maybe.
• They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny.
• Ladies, you don’t need no bra. Let the Lord hold your t*ts.
• I don’t know. If I knew, I’d know, ya know?
• It makes you wanna kick a fat kid at K-Mart.
• Sometimes I wish my balls were square so I could stack em.
• Kites are just birds without wings.

Theo Von Famous Quotes And Sayings

Now they have 100 machines for women at the gym. When I was young they had four machines at the gym for ladies, and three of ‘em were stoves! — Theo Von

That's the thing about being alone. It's not that you feel like you don't have anybody. It's like you feel like nobody has you. — Theo Von

I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn't know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show. — Theo Von

Nothing changes if nothing changes. — Theo Von

I’m sweatin' like a sneeze stuck in a thick b*tch. — Theo Von

You think the wind is trying to tell us something, but we don’t know how to hear it no more? — Theo Von

I gained 2 pounds of muscle mass looking at Jocko Willink's Instagram. — Theo Von

I feel like a sword just came on me. — Theo Von

As soon as I was tall enough, my dad used to let me drive him 60 miles or 70 miles to work. That was pretty fun. My dad was really old. At the time, he was 82 years old. He said, 'Can you drive?' and I said 'Yes.' I guess I didn't find it to be that crazy. — Theo Von

Bees are Satan's little German Shepherds. — Theo Von

You know a lot of people smoke crack on St. Patrick's Day. And it has nothing to do with being Irish or anything or nothing about luck. — Theo Von

Nobody's delivered more bad sex across America then your boy right here. I'll put that up against anyone. — Theo Von

I didn't really eat much today. I had uhh.. two orange halves. So an orange I guess. — Theo Von

It’s like that feeling when you punch a defenceless baby you know? Or is it taking candy from a baby? I can’t remember. But I think punching one would feel a lot better than taking a piece of candy from it. Just like, the feeling of doing it. Especially if that baby were to grow up to be like Hitler or something… Maybe punching him as a baby is what made him do all those things. See this is why I wouldn’t be a good time traveler man; or don't understand that movie The Terminator. — Theo Von

You're not going to make a blockbuster if you can't make just a regular buster first. — Theo Von

I feel like I would be a good stalker... F*ck yeah, I'd watch your whole damn family eat dinner, boy! — Theo Von

Stephanie I think her name was, or Jessica, which is basically the same name. Can we shut one of those names down? — Theo Von

There was a rumor in my town that I beat Down syndrome. — Theo Von

In Louisiana, you can drive when you're 15 - you could get your driving permit. I remember, during driver's ed, I fell asleep at the wheel one day. I was tired. The guy shook me and switched and said he was getting into the driver's seat. I didn't fail, so I guess you can fall asleep occasionally. It's Louisiana. — Theo Von

I don't know if I'm living sometimes or if I'm doing a to-do list. — Theo Von

Crutches are just 'polio chopsticks'. — Theo Von

New Jersey I’d say is one of the top 50 states. — Theo Von

If a Chinese flight crashed into a pineapple stand and everybody lived and started a community, that's Polynesian. — Theo Von

My idea of heaven; no emails. — Theo Von

The 'Road Rules' thing was just something that happened. It was never like when I was little I said, 'I want to be on a reality show when I grow up.' They didn't even have them then, you know? — Theo Von

A reindeer is just a gay moose. — Theo Von

If I could have anything, I would probably get an old Ford F-150 from the '70s. — Theo Von

Howie Mandel is my favorite. He's so friendly, and he's a family man. For a lot of celebrities, to keep a genuineness about them, I think, can be tough, but he really seems to work hard to do that. — Theo Von

My favorite weed was um... cocaine. — Theo Von

You are an inmate who is not locked up if your eating ice cream with a fork. — Theo Von

L.K.A. bruh. Low key Asians. That's a thing. — Theo Von

Dude, you know no two *assholes are the same? It's like a fingerprint. — Theo Von

Lee Harvey Oswald went to our middle school. True story. — Theo Von

I could have been a dancer. I just never got my shot at it. — Theo Von

You can always come back. Throughout my life I've been back home to my Louisiana home fifty times. You can always come back. Whatever that thing is, that's a possibility. Go grab that b*tches by the nut. Smoke my natch man, you gotta get out. Whatever it is, ask her out. — Theo Von

If it can be killed by a frisbee, it's not a dog. — Theo Von

I’m one day without vapin' and I wanna smoke a bowl of my own nut! — Theo Von

Talking with Jordan Peterson is like getting beat with a f*cking dictionary. — Theo Von

I sit face forward on a toilet with both my legs out in front of me like God intended. — Theo Von

I feel like they're moving furniture in my f*cking DNA, baby. — Theo Von

They got some transcripts from the Mayflower. A lot of people were like: Yeah motherf*cker, we goin' to America! — Theo Von

Isn’t it nice that the sun doesn’t remember what you did yesterday? It just knows today's a new day. — Theo Von

I didn't know all my friends were damn sex offenders, until Hollywood told me that they were. — Theo Von

Are mosquitoes like litty bitty birds? — Theo Von

My cousin got bit by a gay dude, so we'll see what happens. — Theo Von

A PT Cruiser is like a hearse for midgets. — Theo Von

Anything could happen when you're daydrinking. Somebody could jerk you off in a truck. You jerk yourself off somewhere. It's daytime! You know, it's like the wolves are out. It's almost like a full moon, but all day long. — Theo Von

We are all like 11% gay. — Theo Von

Spring is when winter gets kind of lazy. — Theo Von

They made hot dog buns so you don’t gotta put your lips on the wiener… My granddaddy taught me that. — Theo Von

A plate is just a spread out cup. — Theo Von

The ferret, the limousine of rodents. — Theo Von

Pistol Pete Maravich lived and died in our town. So, two good shooters. — Theo Von

I got the fingers of a pianist or somebody looking for something real small in a basket. — Theo Von

Australian is British people that weren't doin good. — Theo Von

Eat donuts. Get urgently cared for. Then go to heaven. — Theo Von

If you do whippets and you get a brain freeze and you're wearing sandals, you can end up time traveling. — Theo Von

My neighbour used to have a furcoat in the yard and dogs would come over and f*ck it. — Theo Von

Where I’m from, if you see two mentals huggin', you call the cops. — Theo Von

Life Lessons by Theo Von

1. Embrace Vulnerability: Theo Von's comedy often revolves around sharing personal experiences and vulnerabilities. He teaches us that embracing our own vulnerabilities can lead to genuine connections and relatability with others.
2. Find Humor in Life's Challenges: Through his comedic storytelling, Theo Von finds humor in even the most challenging situations. He reminds us to maintain a lighthearted perspective and find laughter amidst life's ups and downs.
3. Keep Evolving and Learning: Theo Von's diverse career trajectory showcases the importance of continuous growth and learning. He encourages us to embrace new experiences, explore different interests, and never stop evolving in our personal and professional lives.